"Dingmoonment"

Wanna Buy a Wedding Dress?

2009-11-15T21:09:00.002-05:00

Gratitude-moon Quickly Approaching!

2009-11-10T07:07:00.002-05:00

We are just 11 days from our Gratitude-moon, the belayed and delated Thanksgiving honeymoon of the century! We will be staying in the Mission with friends from November 21 to November 28, hugging redwoods and drinking coffee in Golden Gate Park. Any bay-area bridal bloggers who want to meet up for some beverages please say, "I!"

The Transition

2009-10-25T14:31:00.003-04:00

By midnight, almost three quarters of folks were gone. Once anyone approached me after ten PM, I knew they were just going to say goodbye. I started to develop symptoms of Post Goodbye Stress Disorder. I was hyper-sensitive to people approaching me. I started to scheme that if maybe I didnt let anyone near me, they couldnt say goodbye and wouldnt, therefore, leave. But, it didnt work.

Then Kelly and her wife said they were leaving. You really know the party is over when the photographers leave. I wanted to tell them to wait, because I wanted them to take some pictures of everyone toasting smores over the tiki torches. I had spent so much time saying goodbye to everyone, that I hadnt gotten to the smores yet, but it was late and Kelly had already put in a 12 hour day. Plus, I hadnt even taken the time to let them know that I wanted smores pictures.

The DJ wound down and, once the diehards left around 12:30, I started to wander around cleaning up. Lauren had long since passed out. I ate a smores by myself. Then another. It started to drizzle. The shiny wedding feelings were wearing off. I drank a beer and started another, but couldnt finish it. It seemed like I spent half the night saying hello and the other half of the night saying goodbye and now it was over. The second guesses and small regrets started seeping in. I gathered up all the lanterns and packed them away.

Then, after being told two or three times to stop cleaning, I decided to follow directions. I got my head together and took a breath. I took a quick inventory of what I needed in order to make this transition from bride to wife, from anticipation to nostalgia, from party time to bed time. I gathered some candles from the tables and a couple of pork muffins. I got the laptop. I went upstairs to our bedroom, turned off the lights, lit the candles and snuggled up to my wife, who had so thoroughly enjoyed her joy and was now snoring with a wet head and a clean t-shirt and skivvies. I updated my relationship status and my last name on Facebook and said good night to the blog. I blew out all the candles but one and went to bed.

Open Bar

2009-10-14T06:27:00.003-04:00

I'm the lush in the family. Coming from a long line of addicts, drinkers and tipplers of all stripes, I could really hold my liquor, especially in my youth. More than that, I really love getting drunk. For about an hour, it's the funnest thing ever.

But, then, especially in my old age, there's the hangover and the spotty memory. I did not want to get drunk at my wedding. I wanted to remember everything, I wanted to experience everything, I wanted to remain upright. Lauren didn't want me to drink either. In our relationship, I'm the one that drops 60 bucks on drinks, butterflies around all night and then gets taken home by some kind, patient person, usually her.

She was also of the wedding opinion that we needed to be very careful to spend enough time with one another, to carve out moments of privacy and quiet to be together and boy did I balk at that. All of my dearest friends in town for one night only!? In spite of the differences of opinion and the history, we didn't make promises or set expectations for the reception. We were aware of what the other usually does, we were aware of what we hoped would happen and left it at that.

Our wedding night turned out to be the perfect role reversal. I had three drinks in twice as many hours, while Lauren had countless. I was the one trotting around trying to organize and arrange and it was all I could do track her down for reception formalities -- cake, dance, toss -- because she was off cavorting with her friends. But, the awesome part about it was that I felt not one iota of wanting to be drunk, not one iota of irritation for her absence. It was as if all of my longing to be free and happy by drinking was erased because I actually felt free and happy and all of her longing to organize and control were erased because she actually felt free and happy, so she got soused.

Me and her sisters took turns taking care of her, she said and did lots of cute things. Unfortunately I don't have permission to share the photos which do the most justice for the situation because they involve toilets and a search for pants.

As far as the guests are concerned, they guzzled bunches. The next morning we had, like, a case of Bud and a case of red wine remaining.

Please enjoy photos of all of the drunkies (me excluded!) below.

The Final Countdown

2009-10-12T10:38:00.003-04:00

This week promises to be the last week at Dingmoonment for quite some time. I have a couple more posts about the end of the evening, as well as the role that getting drunk played in the evening, and maybe a fond farewell retrospective type post welcoming travelers who will come down this path behind me, but, for the time being, Dingmoonment will be defunct. You'll see me back in these parts come pregnancies or mortgages. Pregbirthhood, anyone? Conpreghood? Concepnantbirth?

In other news, Lauren and I may very well be able to get legally married in DC on our first wedding anniversary. Yay for David Catania and the DC City Council!

Toss Off!

2009-10-09T15:10:00.013-04:00

I never got around to buying a garter for Lauren, probably because she was so ambivalent about, or, rather, totally against it, and partly because I couldnt find one I liked. The day before the wedding, I told Lauren she should throw her boutonniere and she said, "But I want to keep it." I was like, "OMG we gotta do something!" Because I really wanted to do something.

Then, the next morning, the florist delivered two bouts. Lauren gave the extra to her dad and decided she would throw hers, which made me happy, especially because she was doing it to make me happy. Then her sister tried to create a bouquet conspiracy in which I purposely threw the bouquet to her so we could "keep it in the family". I felt very pressured, but didn't cave.

When the time came, it seemed like too much trouble to separate boys from girls and the marrieds from couples. So, we asked all of our guests to gather round, turned our backs on them, placed our heels at the edge of the deck like Olympic divers and counted down. And we certainly made no pretense that catching something meant anything about the future of your marital status. Of course, each flowery thing was caught by a girl and one of those girls was Lauren's sister. I couldnt win for trying.

So, once we got rid of all the crap regarding sex, gender, power and the craze to be married associated with the tossing of things at wedding receptions, we were left with 1.) the fun of throwing the f@ck out of the thing I gingerly clutched with kid gloves all dang day, 2.) the fun of watching people snatching, 3.) the thrill of victory and 4.) the agony of defeat, which you can view below.

Our Garter Solution is the best example of keeping the baby, but not the nasty bathwater. You gotta let these wedding traditions settle in your heart and head for a while and then skim the cream from the top.

Or just wait until the last minute and see what happens!

Photos by Kelly Prizel

Take Time If Youre Down On Luck

2009-10-07T06:47:00.000-04:00

After the cake cutting, came the rings. Each member of Lauren's family has the same ring from Tiffany's. Her parents gave Jimmy, Ashley's husband, the same ring at their wedding reception and then it was time to get mine. And thusly it was. Lauren's mom said nice stuff about me, her dad hugged me and everybody clapped and cooed.

Then we tried to pull off the first dance. But the DJ couldnt get our song to download onto his computer. Instead of just carting out the Ipod and the Ipod speakers and doing our best to blast it, I decided to be cool and just pick something off the DJ's computer at random. Surely anything Sade will suffice, right? Wrong. Hang On To Your Love is about not breaking up. Everyone was looking at us and being like, um, why are you dancing to a break up song, kids?

At first, I basically refused to do more than sway, but Lauren gave me a talking to, which made me laugh. So I faked it. Then I busted out a spin, which made people happy and gave her a genuine snuggle. Others joined us, which irritated me until I realized that's the tradition. It was less than perfect. I had a solid 25 seconds of non-happiness throughout this moment.

But, one day, Lauren and I will get to spin around to Kristin Hersh's "Beestung" in front of dozens of adoring people and feel so lovely. Maybe, like, an anniversary or something.

Please enjoy the unfortunate lyrics of our impromptu first dance below, as well as photos, which are all by Ms. Kelly Prizel of Kelly Prizel Photography and the gay wedding website, So You're Engayed.

In heaven's name
why are you walking away?
Hang on to your love.
In heaven's name
why do you play these games?
Hang on to your love.

Take time if you're down on luck

it's so easy to walk out on love.
Take your time if the going gets tough
it's so presious.

So
if you want it to get stronger
you'd better not let go.
You've gotta hold on longer if you want your love to grow.
You gotta stick together
hand in glove

Hold on tight
don't fight
hang onto your love!

The Pastry is Political

2009-10-04T13:59:00.009-04:00

When we got inside to cut the cake, the summer heat was on blast. I had already gone upstairs in an effort to re-apply make up and basically gave up. Mary Alice asked if I had a cake cutting knife the night of the rehearsal dinner. When I said no, she said she would bring one. Someone found crystal glasses somewhere and filled them with white wine. Lauren and I cut our first slice and munched it.

Then I shushed everyone to say a little about my friend Emma who so tirelessly and cheerfully helped me throughout the wedding. But also, it was just the way she did it. In the months and weeks before the wedding she would say, "Have you done this yet? Where are you with this? I'll come over Saturday and we'll do it," knowing that just having a buddy next to you to push through the first two or three feet of procrastination almost feels like cutting the work in half. She camped out at the house in 24 hours leading up to the wedding. She didnt say, "What can I do, what can I do?" She just stood quietly by with her ears open and her mind working and stepped in as needed. We gave her kisses and the second slice of cake.

And Mary was the industrious cutter, server, and cake designer. I felt so loved and cared for considering the gift of the cake and the experience of designing it together. We all know how hard it is to keep in touch with high school and college friends as we grow up and get our families and careers in order. It was so special to spend this time with her in this way. I have all these big ideas about how to thank her that I havent even sent a thank you card yet. All the regular thank you cards just dont seem grateful enough. Right now, I'm thinking about making a poster, but I should just give in and get an average everyday greeting card and call it a day.

The cake itself was 5 tiers and five flavors -- s'mores, pumpkin spice, dulce de leche, tiramisu and bananas foster. We had the cake made to look like political buttons on corkboard. We grabbed the buttons of the internet, as well as, yes it's true, Facebook. The cake toppers are of us, but cross-dressed. Lauren in a dress, me in a suit. The flowers at the bottom are thistles in the spirit of our invitations. Finally, I pretty much love the look on my face as I cut the cake, keeping in mind what they say the cake cutting is all about. I was clearly feelin' it.

All photos by Kelly Prizel.

Saturday Bonus Post

2009-10-02T18:58:00.013-04:00

After shots in Dupont Circle me, Lauren, Jon and I rode home in the red mustang. We took Rock Creek Parkway and then crossed the Memorial Bridge from DC into Virginia. I love the Memorial Bridge because it literally symbolically connects not just two states, but the Union and the Confederacy, with Lincoln Memorial at one end of the bridge and Robert E Lee's home, which houses the eternal flame honoring John F. Kennedy, at the other. In my heart and at the core, I am a patriot and the Civil War, bookended by slavery and Reconstruction, really speaks to the heart of our struggles as a nation when it come to equality and opportunity. Plus, the sun came out as we crossed the bridge, the water was sparkling and of course, a rainbow appeared.

As we entered Virginia, we noticed that the streets were wet. I breathed in that lovely hot cement fresh grass smell and being so high on happiness, required 5-7 minutes to realize that rainbows mean rain. And rain means droopy tissue paper poufs, soaking table cloths and wet chairs. Rain means muddy ground, muddy floors and wet burger buns.

When we got to the house all of these things were true. Then it started to rain some more. I tried to be cool and, in fact, was. I just kinda stood on the porch and tried to enjoy the soupy green color in the sky, feel gratitude that it was sprinkling and not pouring, feel the tender stipple of sprinkles on my face. But then someone, some genius said, "Dude, let's just go inside and cut and the cake." and I said, "Genius!"

Please enjoy below the scene that awaited me when we arrived and of course, on Monday, the wedding cake that saved us from the rain.

Congress

2009-10-02T06:14:00.019-04:00

After the ceremony, we signed the contract, ate and left for Dupont Circle where we would take couple shots. During the receiving line, I was supposed to hand out these little cards that instructed people to find someone they didnt know and get that person to sign their card. Then they were to bring the card back to the house to enter into a raffle to win the second slice of cake. I forgot to hand them out and once I remembered, I realized how asinine it was to have had them printed up and expect people to have their own pens. So, they got snapped but they never got passed.

Another interesting element of the receiving line were the things that people said to me. Specifically, the two people who said what they wanted to say during the ceremony, but didn't think was appropriate. One of my mom's work friends was going to say something about how I have come a long way since my days of getting suspended (6th grade was rough). And an ex's wife was going to say something about how when a crazy person finds their perfect crazy match, neither of them are crazy anymore. I really regretted that they didnt speak because their thoughts wouldve added some spice and texture to the proceedings which were otherwise so creamy sweet and tearful. I wonder if we had given people more time or if we had mentioned in the program that there is no such thing as inappropriate . . .

In terms of eating, Lauren and I did. I just can't imagine not wanting to eat, I mean, it's a pork sandwich on a sweet potato muffin with mango chutney for godssake!

After the ceremony and receiving line, I was so emotionally exhausted that I was ready to scrap the confetti send - off and the photo shoot at the fountain in Dupont Circle and just get a beer. I decided to go through with the schedule as planned though, which resulted in the best pictures of the evening. I love how we were accidentally sitting in front of a part of the quote etched on the side of the fountain that says "congress".

On Monday, we will talk all about the best wedding cake you've ever seen.

Photos by Kelly Prizel.

The Ceremony

2009-09-29T06:12:00.005-04:00

While Lauren and I were still in the library, I took some cherry flavored chap stick out of my bosom and slathered it on my ring finger. My friend Jon opened the door to the Meeting Room and Lauren and I walked in hand in hand. The room was silent, our pace was brisk and the swooshing of my dress was the loudest sound. When we sat down, Joan and another member of our meeting, Laura, explained Quaker Meetings in general and the significance of Quaker weddings to our modern debates about gay marriage. Our friend Katalin introduced the singing bell and then rang it. The sound tickled in through my ears and radiated out through my shoulders. I took breaths. The ceremony began in silence.

Within 5 minutes, I squeezed Lauren's hand, but she didnt squeeze my hand back. We had debated that maybe it would take 10-15 minutes to feel calm and centered enough to exchange our promises, but it didn't take me hardly any time at all. As soon as I realized she hadnt squeezed my hand back, she did and we stood. I went to Lauren's sister Shelby to get my ring and Lauren went to her sister Ashley to get hers, kisses were given. I look at Lauren and said her name and realized that I still had my heels on. I kicked the shoes off, the assembled chuckled. I gave Lauren my promises and she gave me hers. My ring went on relatively smoothly and her's inched down without pause. We both forgot some of the words, but I was the one who cried. Lauren and I crossed over to the table, our parents were sitting in front of it. They read their portions of the contract and the five of us signed our names. Then we all sat back down and the messages began.

I remember Miasia commenting on how she felt, the very moment. I remember Regina's voice cracking as she read her reading. Someone from work talked about our generosity. Meredith said that if you know me, I become a part of you and she thanked Lauren for taking care of a part of her. Laura talked about how my writing about the wedding brought everyone closer together. Ivory was the first to speak and he thanked our parents for being so supportive. Mary stood up and said that she sees a lot of people get married. The chuckles were dying down as she said she believed that our marriage would last. Aleijuan sang a verse and the chorus from Bridge Over Troubled Water and Lauren sobbed. Everyone started their message with the words Desaray and Lauren.

When I first went to Quaker Meeting I wondered what the difference was between a Meeting for Worship and group therapy, or a 12 Step meeting, or a panel discussion. As I was preparing for the wedding I wondered how the Meeting for Worship would be different from toasts. During Meeting for Worship, I close my eyes and don't turn to look at or react to the speaker. Similarly, the two times I have spoken I don't look for acknowledgment or address an individual. This practice came naturally, but if I had to articulate the reasoning, it would have something to do with the deeply personal nature of what I'm doing and its divestment from human relationships, an acknowledgment that the person speaking might not be the author and so it's not important to know who they are, or exchange smiles, or make eye contact.

While people offered their messages during our wedding, I remained forward-facing with my eyes closed, but I felt Lauren turning to guests, making eye contact and thanking them. After the initial awkwardness, we settled into this pattern and I appreciated it. I felt cared for and protected by Lauren. I did turn around and open my eyes once, but I can't remember why.

After I dont know how long or how many messages, Katalin rang the bell three times. The sound tickled in through my ears and radiated out through my shoulders. The dog sighed.

We turned around to look at Dina, who had the glass for breaking. She stood up, came to the center of the room and read the paragraph in the program describing the practice. The champagne glasses we toasted with when we got engaged were wrapped in kitchen towels. Dina placed them on the ground. Lauren stomped on the glass but it didnt break. There were murmurs and good-natured comments. I stomped on my glass, and it didnt break. Lauren said, "How do I do this?" I said, "I don't know, I've never done it before!" She stomped on it again, the glass broke and the room burst into applause, it sounded like the opera. I smashed my glass before the applause was over, giving it a last little boost.

There were no pictures during the ceremony because it is contrary to Quaker tradition. While there is enough room in Quakerism for a multitude of practices, the head of our Marriage and Family Committee was pretty rigid. I was slightly ambivalent about it too, which is part of the reason I didn't make an issue of it. I wouldve liked pictures of me red faced, licking the tears off my lips. On the other hand, I can appreciate the way that the ceremony exists in our memories only reflects the intangible, ephemeral nature of such an event and savor it.

The thing is, we didnt have a guest book either (last minute f@uck!t type situation), so if you were at the ceremony please leave a comment with your own favorite or unique memory.

All photos by Kelly Prizel.

Our History

2009-09-27T20:53:00.002-04:00

Photo by Kelly Prizel.

After the formals, Lauren, Kelly, the photographer, and I headed to the library of the Meeting House. Lauren was feeling light-headed from nerves and the heat, so she snacked on the s'mores cereal we were going to use for confetti. I realized that I left one of my rings on the steps where we took our formals and Natalie, Kelly's wife, went to go get it. Emma told us that one of our readers thought we had the copy of her reading and we thought she had the copy so we had a copy printed. We took a bridal portrait or two and Kelly left to begin photographing the ceremony from outside. Lauren and I were quiet, but together. After a few minutes, Emma and Kelly came back to tell us that the head of the Marriage and Family Committee refused to allow Kelly to photograph even through the windows of the Meeting House during the ceremony. "Well," we said, "sit down and enjoy yourself. Pretend you are a guest." I smiled as big as I could, irritated with the lady, but happy to give Kelly a break.

The photo above is the last one Lauren and I took before we left for the ceremony. Posing for it brought to mind all of the images I have seen over the years of similar couples, who, on account of the conventions of the time, were sitting so stiffly and apart, except the formality has a certain sad undertone. Having the images in my mind and on the altar, as well as having my own body in such an awkward, but familiar position, brought tears to my eyes. I felt like I was taking my place in our history.

Formals

2009-09-25T00:12:00.001-04:00

We arrived to the Meeting House, took just a couple formal photos of the guests of honor and then Kelly, the photographer, marched us to an unknown location. Prior to the wedding she had staked out a set of fantastically landscaped stairs in a shady area. Half way through, I realized that I left my bouquet back at the Meeting House and her wife Natalie went back to get it. It was fantastic.

All photos by Kelly Prizel.

The Altar

2009-09-24T07:20:00.007-04:00

As some of you may remember, both Lauren's brother and my father died while we were planning our wedding. I was originally going to slap together some crazy Memorial Getwaway Car to honor them in lieu of printing something in the program or attaching their pictures to my bouquet. But, when I sent out the volunteer list, no one volunteered to donate the getaway car, blow up the dog, or muck up a car with toothpaste and beer cans.

We knew that we were going to have an altar at the wedding and decided to include some objects that reminded us of our people. Lauren's friend, Desiree, from college, practices Yoruba, and she took our altar the night of the rehearsal. Lauren and I talked with her at length about my dad, Lauren's brother, and explained each object. She took them home, charged them in the sunlight and moonlight, and infused them with all manner of meaning and light before bringing them back to the Meeting House the day of the wedding. My friend Dina took other parts of the altar and shopped diligently for each of Jon and Richard's favorite foods -- Coke, bananas, pound cake, Cheerios, Yoo-hoo, and cookies and cream ice cream. Desiree got a table cloth and crystal from her mother to cover the table and provide bowls of water. The altar also had signs and symbols of mine and Lauren's love and relationship, as well as pictures of famous and anonymous lesbians from history. There was no mention of the altar in the program and we didnt tell anyone about it. It was just there and and it was perfect. This is one of the least planned-for and most fulfilling aspects of the wedding day. A cursory, ten minute internet search yields a link that begins to explain some of the ideas behind the altar more formally.

When we got to the Meeting House for the formal shots, my friend Jon said that the car rental company gave him a cherry red Mustang and would we like that to be our getaway car? We said sure and thought wistfully of the inflatable dog sitting at home not once.

Photo by Kelly Prizel.

The Altar

2009-09-23T07:31:00.004-04:00

All photos by Kelly Prizel

First Hellos

2009-09-21T22:13:00.007-04:00

It was a little premature of me to post the group shot on Sunday -- I was just so excited. So, allow me to back up a wee bit to our departure from the house . . .

Lauren's parents took us to the ceremony site in a car with air conditioning, which was great because I was really starting to melt in the noontime heat. Emma, Lauren's sisters, and her brother-in-law followed behind with Butter, the engagement present. Brother-in-law also had the contract, and the little sisters had the rings.

About ten minutes into the trip, I realized that I, however, did not have the maps and directions to the reception site in the bottom of my suitcase. I tried my best to convince Lauren that we should go back, but to no avail.

Also at about this time, my friend Kate was wretching violently from a case of food poisoning, my friend Amy was holding back her hair, my friend Scott was taking off in a plane to see a suddenly sick family member, my friend Mary was picking my mom up from her house, and some lovely soul was dropping my wedding cake off at the house. About 135 people were, in one way or another, making their way to one corner of the world to marry me and Lauren. Some were buying s'mores ingredients, some were buying cheerios and bananas, some were borrowing their mom's table cloths and some, somehow, had not one task assigned to them and were simply making their way.

In the pictures that follow please enjoy me as I fix Lauren's collar, hug my friend Mere, meet Eliza Jane for the first time, and hold my mother's hands.

Next up: ceremony, altar, formals

All photos by Kelly Prizel

Guests of Honor

2009-09-20T21:04:00.004-04:00

Photo by Kelly Prizel

Instead of having a wedding party, Lauren and I had around 26 guests of honor. Everyone was instructed to show up early for pictures and wear blue or purple. On the day of the wedding, one was food poisoned, one was late taking care of the food poisoned and one couldnt come due to an unexpected illness in the family and one couldnt come because of work. This is probably the picture of which I am the most proud. Please click to enlarge.

Catastrophe of Epic Proportions

2009-09-18T07:41:00.003-04:00

Blogger wont let me upload pictures today. And so, the recaps are re-stopped. Sighsigh.

Wordless Wednesday Plus 22 Hours

2009-09-16T20:27:00.011-04:00

All photos by Kelly Prizel.

Thistle Lashes

2009-09-15T20:30:00.023-04:00

As I mentioned previously, Lauren's suit turned out perfectly. I was so elated, generally speaking, on the wedding day that I forgot to care about the fact that I didnt want her to wear a black suit and burgundy tie. Through my wedding eyes, the offending tie just looked wonderful with the brown pinstripe, the blue thistle in her lapel was as spiky as her long, black lashes. The best part of getting ready with her was getting her into the binder, it was ridiculous and bawdy and terribly gay.

All photos by Kelly Prizel

Hairdryer from Heaven

2009-09-15T07:35:00.016-04:00

Getting ready was quick, easy and painless. I had spent a fair amount of time thinking about what pithy, political or trendy shirt I would wear while getting ready. I never ended up finding anything and wore a white terry cloth robe instead. Little did I know how perfect that would be in the bright white bathroom. I waited until the last possible minute to wash my hair and realized too late that I hadnt left any time for it to dry since I don't actually own a hairdryer. Out of no where, my landlord, the balding military contractor, whips one out of his bathroom.

As far as the dress, I ended up losing enough weight to be able to zip the dress up. It still had a funny little wrinkle in it, and was a snug, but that was mostly OK.

As you'll recall, there was a little bit of a panic about Lauren's suit. Finally, before Lauren went to pick it up from the tailor for the last time, we made a deal that we just wouldnt talk about it anymore. I continued to worry, of course, and spent three hours during a rain storm the day before the wedding looking for H&M suits for her. I bought one in the wrong size because I couldnt find the right one but I certainly wasnt going to walk out of there with nothing since I had long-since descended into an irrational suit hole.

When I brought it home, Lauren didnt even try it on. She was sad that I ditched other important wedding errands to run this mis-guided mission of mercy. It's just that since we had stopped talking about it, she didnt have a chance to tell me that the final alterations were awesome and perfect and she looked amazing. Today, my dress and me getting ready. Tomorrow: Lauren.

Photos by Kelly Prizel.

Dingmoonment Wrap-Up

Emma Saves the day by: De-prioritizing her own personal hygiene in favor of mine. Lending me her powder brush.

Woulda Coulda Shoulda: Gone out and gotten those eyelashes - make up melts, but false eyelashes can stand the test of 100% humidity. Brought a fancy hanger for the dress.

Best Laid Plans: Only got started 15 minutes late!

Whisper Fights Are the New Pre-Marital Counseling

2009-09-13T11:48:00.011-04:00

The first 3 hours of the wedding day were the most stressful. The yard decorations weren't up, I hadn't made photocopies of famous lesbians from history and I still needed to buy fake eyelashes. I got up around 6am and spent a little less than 2 hours climbing ladders to hang 15 or so tissue paper poofs from the trees. Barefooted, on ladders, with branches slapping me in the face, I achieved various asymmetrical, yet, balanced configurations. The entire pursuit was solitary, physical and creative. Perfect. Then the tables came. Problem one.

They were too big and the table cloths didnt fit over them. I suggested that we call the company and have them deliver smaller ones. Lauren said it was hopeless. We fought about whether or not to even call and inquire. I won. We called. DeSean at Perfect Settings sent three new sizes to the house within the hour free of charge. And they were beautiful. Emma and I left to get photocopies, eyelashes and coffee.

When we got back, I took a shower and went back out into the yard to survey my work with a fresh eye. Lauren and Emma were up surveying the day. The photographers came. Our friend Julia came with the flowers. Commence problem two.

Instead of dahlias or even white roses, the florist used calla lillies. neither the words "calla" or "lilly" had never escaped my lips during any of our talks. Julia said the florist used calla lillies because I wanted pitcher plants and calla lillies have the same shape. I thought this was really dumb because aside from shape and color, each flower has a connotation in general and as well as to an individual. I wanted pitcher plants for their flesh-eating capabilities, not their shape and calla lillies remind me of old people. I declared that I was going to behead the calla lillies.

Commence problem number three. Lauren kind of lost it. Her composure. The idea of me taking scissors to the bouquet really stressed her out and she said this amazingly mean thing on which I have promised not to quote her. She said the unquote-able thing in front of the photographer, the day-of-coordinator, and our two friends. It was so mean, I almost cried.

I got the scissors instead. I took the bouquet to a quiet, private place and lopped the heads off those offending calla lillies. It was a glorious and righteous moment that I will always cherish. I was back in the saddle.

With my mojo mounting, I went into the yard and beckoned Lauren to me. Into her ear I whispered that I thought that we shouldnt disagree out loud in front of people, because it makes them nervous and us mean, and that wouldn't we rather whisper our petty criticisms, concerns and debates? I whispered about how she had just said the meanest thing in the history of our relationship and that I almost cried and I whispered about how didnt the bouquet look so much better and wouldn't she apologize? She whispered her apology to me and lavished compliments upon the bouquet and kissed me and agreed.

We headed upstairs to get dressed.

All photos by Kelly Prizel

Dingmonment Wrap-up:

Emma Saves The Day By: keeping me on schedule while drinking coffee and photocopying famous historical lesbians

Woulda Shoulda Coulda: remembered to buy false eyelashes

Best laid plan: those luscious poofs

The Pictures Are In!

2009-09-10T23:08:00.005-04:00

Photo by Kelly Prizel.

And the recaptastico will re-begin on Monday!

Sad Substitute

2009-09-07T21:14:00.007-04:00

before without bangs

after banged

I continue to await the wedding pic disc. In the meantime, I will treat you to a before and after of the new hair cut. (yawn, I know.)

Pre-Wedding Baseball Game

2009-08-30T17:02:00.005-04:00

Lauren poses with the ball.

Gary says, "Gimme my ball."

The Ball

Friday night, a mere 24 hours before the wedding, all ripping and running was officially suspended so the fam could attend a baseball game. We traveled an hour north from DC to Baltimore to take see the Orioles vs. the Red Sox. I had spent the day alone, in a rented truck buying liquor, picking up DJ equipment and snagging a third suit for the wedding.

In attendance were my mom, aunt, uncle, three cousins and Lauren's mom, dad, two sisters, brother in law, uncle, aunt, and cousins. We ate peanuts and drank beer. We took pictures of strangers with their children. We chatted. The best part of the game was when Gary, Lauren's dad, caught a foul ball. He said that he has only caught two other balls in his life. So that's, like totally a sign, if you ask me.

Like Accordion and Lace's welcome party, the baseball game put the breaks on the self absorption and anxiety. I was pretty well geared up after my day of wedding errands, with my little monkey mind doing all manner of somersaults and salutations. So, it was actually very therapeutic to be stuck on BW Parkway in Friday rush hour traffic, absolutely helpless to the Volvo's air conditioning, unable to buy, worry, or cross things off lists.

So the advice is, plan something for before the wedding. It might be the traditional rehearsal dinner, but if you're not having a rehearsal dinner, do something else. Before it happens, you'll think you are spreading yourself too thin. Right before it happens you'll be ever so slightly irritated with me, or whoever it is that got you into this stupid outing or dumb dinner. But once you are there, it's a total mentality make-over.

That said, I welcome you to a picture of my last hot dog as an unmarried woman.

Dangerous Bridal Blog Territory

2009-08-25T16:11:00.002-04:00

wherein I log in for the sole purpose of telling you how I'm going to get my hair cut tomorrow.

Kerfuffle Is My New Favorite Word

2009-08-24T07:44:00.000-04:00

The biggest kerfuffle throughout the wedding planning process has been the invitations. Which is good, because they are also the thing we got the most compliments on, so as far as the psychological wear and tear, things balanced out. Until, maybe, today.

So, when the invitations initially came in May, there were a number of errors, highlights include:

-- The artist put her logo on our invitations without telling us. She says it is in the contract, but she didn't have us sign a contract. Nor did she include the logo on the proof. Then, once she realized her mistake, she didn't ask us where we would like the logo to go or maybe, I don't know, what color we might want them in. So the brown and blue invitations came with her logo on them, front and center, in a lovely shade of black.

-- The artist misspelled or misaddressed like, 5 invitations. She didn't send us 3 or 4 invitations altogether, and we received one invitation addressed to a couple we don't know at an address we have never heard of. Luckily, there were maybe 15 blank invites included, so we just hand addressed them and got them out. We accidentally started the invitation process a month earlier than etiquette requires, so we were able to navigate these rocky waters without sending the invites out late. Dumb luck rocks.

To make up for her snafus, the artist sent us 100 free thank you postcards pre-printed with our new return address. I thought that was strange, since when do postcards have a return address, but then again I thought it was good since our address had changed, now everyone would have it. On Thursday, I wrote cards and dropped them in the mailbox.

On Friday, every single one came back with a handwritten note that said the cards were incorrectly formatted. The thanker's address was printed where the thankees' address should be and, as a result, the computers mis-read and mis-coded the postcards, ensuring that they would all be sent to me instead of the people to whom they were addressed. In order to fix it, I would have to find a way to black out the return address, as well as the computer coding on the front and back of the postcards. Clearly, I'll be purchasing thank you cards today and starting over.

I think that this all happened because the artist had never done this format before and we had never ordered custom-made invitations before, so it was the blind leading the blind. I don't have any incisive words of advice to offer other than the basics: read and sign contracts, ask for compensation when people mess up and consult with the post office if you are going to get fancy, even if you think that's the other guy's job.

In the spirit of balance and gratitude, there are some things that I am appreciative of when it comes to the invites. They are listed below.

Also, on an unrelated note, the disc with the professional photos is in the mail and re-caps should be start next week!

I appreciate that the artist:

- went out and bought a new tool and experimented with a new style when I requested tri-fold invitations with a detachable RSVP postcard

- printed the addresses onto each and every invitation, rather than applied a label

- tied the invitations with matching satin ribbon

- responded with speed to each and every email

- responded professionally to my terse emails

- asked for my phone number because, I assume, she feels as I do, that email is not for arguing

- keeps an awesome blog of artist interviews and family photos so that it is difficult to be irrationally irritated by all this for too much longer.

I think.

Re-Caps

2009-08-17T06:54:00.001-04:00

Maybe re-caps will be easier once the pictures are back. If there is one thing I learned being a tour guide it's "Don't talk about it if they can't see it."

In the meantime, I'll leave you with a mobile upload of a blurry dance.

The Honeymoon

2009-08-12T08:38:00.008-04:00

The actual honeymoon was OK. The impact of flying a million miles at a sky-high altitude for 72 hours fueled only by love and beauty, then crash-landing in some Marriott filled with 3,000 current and former coworkers right smack dab in the middle of Central Florida was a real love-buzz kill. I dont care if there were palm trees. I cried, I moped. I kept a stiff upper lip, I gave it a college try. I got tipsy.

Lauren worked about 5 hours a day. We did go to the pool everyday, but Lauren is very fair skinned, so we kind of had to twist ourselves into pretzels, finding spots that were half sunny half shady and angled toward the sun. Her school took us out to dinner twice, but we declined on the karaoke. I read Olive Kitteridge and Vanity Fair. We rented "Sunshine Cleaning" on the hotel TV. We tried not to spend too much money.

The best part was a.) attending a 3 hour workshop on Race and Class in Education and b.) volunteering with her staff at Give Kids the World, a resort for terminally ill children visiting Disney World. Lauren and I opted to clean strollers and medical equipment because it was a job for two and I wouldve felt really sad if someone else got stuck doing it, or worse, if no one volunteered to do it at all and we all just stood there while the volunteer coordinator looked at us. The photo below encapsulates my honeymoon. Apparently shitty and ridiculous, but at the core, fine and good.

(This seems to be the appropriate time to mention that the tap water at the JW Marriott, a five star hotel, smelled like sewage, all day everyday.)

The Honeymoon Registry

2009-08-10T11:16:00.006-04:00

We got back from the KIPP School Summit at the JW Marriott located in sunny Orlando, FL on Saturday and checked out the Charlotte Rollergirls on Sunday. Today is back to life, back to reality. Job interview at 3:30. Please enjoy the only photo from the week of Lauren and I in the same frame but not taking the picture. We are by the hotel's lazy river. Our photographer is a gangly European teenager.

The official Dinagmoonment Honeymoon, after much theorization, conjecture, and planning, was derailed sometime in May, when Lauren was offered a job at KIPP Charlotte with mandatory professional development for the week that we planned our honeymoon.

As of the wedding day, though, we had only 800.00 dollars in contributions via the website and I was starting to think it was a good thing that we hadnt actually booked any flights to or hotels in SF since we wouldnt be able to pay for them. Luckily, Lauren's mom did the math back in South Carolina and we knew by the end of our first day in Orlando, that we were gifted with another 1300.00 the day of the wedding. Around $800.00 has come in since the wedding via the official honeymoon website. So, after paying for my flight and hotel in Orlando, as well as Orlando expenses, we will go to Blue Ridge Pride in Asheville, North Carolina over my birthday weekend and then take a very budget trip to San Francisco over Thanksgiving. We will stay in a friend's apartment who will be with family that week and be a little less luxe than we otherwise wouldve been. These will be called the Pridemoon and the Gratitudemoon, respectively.

For those of you considering a honeymoon registry, you can check out ours, as well as the company we used, The Big Day. We invited 150 people, got 130 yeses, and we received about 50 cash gifts totalling 3,000. The registry was really easy and really fun, but there was a fair amount of stress in the days before the wedding when we thought we only had 800 bucks to spend! In retrospect, we shouldnt have been worried at all. The Big Day provides a bar graph to help you anticipate gift-giving trends and our experience was basically exactly how they say it is for most couples.

The Happiest Day

2009-08-05T14:16:00.004-04:00

Somewhere along the line a new, progressive wedding cliche emerged. It was the one where savvy, accomplished women like myself said something along the lines of, “Well, I certainly *hope* it’s not the happiest day of my life,” as a way of saying that our lives are so currently fantastic and full of potential that a measly little wedding doesn’t stand a chance against our bright, bright futures.

Well, I’m here to say that stinkin' wedding day was the happiest day of my young life.

All of the great gifts and perfect coincidences will be cataloged later, but the real meat of the matter is this: I was happy for 14 hours in a row. Every urge to analyze or assess vanished. Perseveration ceased. No sentence started with the words should, could or would. Disbelief was suspended. I couldn’t have told you who didn’t show or who wasn’t doing what they said they would. Everything was as it should be and, if it wasn’t, it was promptly replaced by the next wonderful thing way before I could even notice. There were no conditions on my gratitude and satisfaction.

Now that I'm trying to analyze it all, I see the basics. Everyone was decked out and made up. Friends and family were throwing cash at me and waiting on me hand and foot. Their patience and goodwill were limitless. Everyone was tipsy or delighted or both. There were pretty things hanging from trees and tree-colored table cloths.

But then there was the happenstance sprinkled with signs and spirit – all of the tears at the Quaker ceremony, the red convertible, the rainbow, the bulldog, catching a ball at the game.

As someone for whom happiness lasting longer than ten minutes is elusive, I'm really thrilled to be able to say that my wedding day, the whole day, was the happiest of my life. I thought I would be stressed, distracted, or disappointed. I thought I wouldn't be able to connect to Lauren on such a grand scale in front of so many people. I thought my guests would be inconvenienced or uncomfortable by something or other I forgot to do or wanted to do or didn't want. But none of that happened.

I can point to a few things here and there that created the mindset, the attitude, the mood. It seems true to say that it had everything and nothing to do with all of my careful plans and wacky ideas. I will call it Matrimony Mind, this shimmering satisfaction that blinded me to anything that wasnt awesome.

From now on, when people ask me about the wedding, I'm just gonna say it. It was the happiest day of my life.

Thank You

2009-08-02T01:14:00.000-04:00

and goodnight.

Practiced

2009-07-31T06:31:00.004-04:00

The rehearsal was last night. It was fun, if stressful. The plan is to make everyone go outside directly after the ceremony to take a great big group picture. But I didnt really talk to anyone about that. But that's what we are doing. It's in the program. I feel like George Bush after the second election, using capital. I'm thinking everyone will be all loving and sweet after the ceremony, so that is the best time to make them go outside, stand in 90 degree heat and say cheese.

I'm pretty sure the ceremony is going to be kinda of jumpy, like an old film. But surely that will add to the charm. Lauren is having considerable trouble remembering her vows and managing her nerves. She will most likely read her vows. Or vowels, as we have been calling them.

Yesterday I felt much more calm, cool and collected than I do today. When I started a wedding blog I promised myself that I would never make a list post, but, well:

-- recopy the directions to include the location of free parking at the reception site
-- print out pictures of historic lesbian couples
-- Print out character reference forms for social work license in the State of North Carolina. (Unrelated to wedding, but essential to complete this weekend since anyone who knows anything about my character will be within arm's reach.)
-- Buy beer and ice
-- Buy red lipstick
-- Buy razors
-- Hang Christmas lights
-- Make twenty more poofs
-- Hang poofs
-- Remove ugly things from view of guests (picture of ethnic girl, juicer, mail)
-- Buy third suit from H & M
-- Pick up and set up DJ and equipment
-- Call mom and tell her that there is an extra ticket for the baseball game
-- Email mom her portion of the reading (interrupted writing of this list to accomplish task.)
-- Buy cute napkins, plates and cups at Target

The Big Reveal

2009-07-30T13:08:00.003-04:00

Wedding Make-Up

2009-07-29T20:03:00.000-04:00

So, it's a little pasty and a little pink, but this is what 200 dollars worth of make up looks like. We will see how I can build on it. The lady that did it, Cheryl, at the MAC in the South Park Mall in Charlotte NC, was really just awesome, though.

Unknowns, Emergencies and Forecasts

2009-07-29T07:17:00.004-04:00

Please consider taking sleeping pills not just the night before you get married, but the night before that and the night before that. And also maybe the night before that. The to-do list was really somersaulting last night.

While I have been mercifully dream-free for quite some time, though, Lauren's subconscious is pumping out some good ones. My favorite is the one where we show up to the reception, it's raining and our landlord is still pouring concrete in the soupy, drizzling mess. That one made me laugh.

Today, the forecast says that on the wedding day it will be partly cloudy and 87 degrees with a ten percent chance of rain. There are thunderstorms predicted on Friday and Sunday, but I will be basking in my Saturday partly cloudy for the remainder of the day.

In more practical news, we finished the program last night. I also bought a bathing suit, a spandex contraption and 117 dollars worth of make-up. Please consider, like my FSIL, having your make-up done at Mac the day before your wedding. They will do your whole face for free and only ask that you buy 50 bucks worth of products. Otherwise, you will have to buy a buttload of stuff, including brushes, and then put it on your own self. Did I even save money? How much is it to have some do your makeup day of?

To be filed under minor emergency, yesterday we asked our Friends Meeting if we could borrow 3 8' round tables and 12 chairs. They said no. Doh! Now we kinda gotta scramble. Wonder how that will work out.

We fly back to DC today. The landlord says he has made a lot of progress with the backyard and he thinks we will be impressed. Big reveal in T minus seven hours. This is kind of like a reality show, huh.

"Landlord, move that F150!"

First Song

2009-07-28T07:55:00.000-04:00

If I can figure out a way to get it on the deejay's computer, "Beestung" by Kristin Hirsh is going to be our first song. It is only 3 min and 9 sec long, which good. It's slow and sweet.

Start with your fingers they finger the change
that carries you home in our evening
you're bee stung there.
Press your palm to your snow-coated thought cage
carries me over your thinking
you're bee stung there.
Between the tall buildings are snow-coated alleys
between us is nothing but grace
snow rides the wind down and drives past the window
falling over your face I fly out the window
and then ride the wind down
you fit me into my place
you're bee stung here.
Start with your eyes when they eye me in twilight
picking up pieces of mine
Tie me up with twine in your eyelight
string me from heaven to time you bee stung.
Between the tall buildings are snow-coated alleys
between us is nothing but grace
help me up when you hear me behind you falling
all over the place
it's not too late

Wedding Dilemma #3080

2009-07-27T14:56:00.001-04:00

Is it uncouth to use a wedding gift card to buy a wedding present for someone else?

Or is it totally super-intelligent and a responsible use of limited resources?

Memorial Get Away Car

2009-07-27T06:36:00.000-04:00

If you'll recall, I was going to get an inflatable purple dragon and a stuffed Pomeranian to remember Lauren's brother and my father, who passed away this year. The items were going to be tied to the roof of the get-away car because 1.) Jon drove around with said item attached to his Monte Carlo 2.) One of my dog-loving dad's last dogs was a Pomeranian and 3.) It would be fun and funny as opposed to sad. I was internally irritated by the idea of finding a stuffed Pomeranian, though, and was feeling some inertia on the subject.

Then, the other day, I ordered a big, inflatable dog. It is the perfect marriage of pool toy and canine, to be tied to the top of the get-away car, everso slightly reminiscent of the deceased, but mostly unique to this here happy weddin'. It will ship Monday or Tuesday and arrive Friday or Monday. (Getting married Saturday. I'm a gambler!)

Note to self, don't worry about finding a get-away car and buying shaving cream and toothpaste and canned beers, until the lil' doggie arrives.

I've Got the Ga-gas

2009-07-24T19:12:00.001-04:00

I'm not one to ga-ga over other people and their wedding things, but this dress is almost edible.

Alternative Blog Names.

2009-07-24T18:17:00.001-04:00

Sebboreic keratosis bride. Keratosis pilaris bride. Aphthous ulcer bride. Selenium Sulfide bride.

Chin whisker bride. Cankle bride. Arm acne bride.

Unemployed social worker bride. Three thousand left on the credit card bride.

Bride, bride, bride.

Our DJ Is Sexier Than Your DJ

2009-07-22T21:58:00.000-04:00

Mosquitoes et. al.

2009-07-22T12:44:00.004-04:00

On Wednesday night, we fly back to DC to start last minute preparations for the wedding. Those would be making tissue poofs, hanging Christmas lights and planting flowers.

Also, exterminating hordes of mosquitos. Thursday morning the mosquito squad comes. Our mosquito squadder is named Damien and I can't wait to post pictures of him on the blog, whoever he may be. I imagine a cross between the UPS man and Bradley Cooper if he was cast in a remake of Ghostbusters. I've been overturning buckets of water all summer. So, you know, hopefully, that helped.

The other trouble is the police. Last week our landlord mentioned that our locale has all sort of regulations regarding large parties, of which he did not tell us, specifically that we have to get a permit. And serve food. And provide non-alcoholic alternatives. So he'll be grilling hot dogs and hamburgers and serving tap water. He said he didn't apply for a permit because he doesnt need the neighbors and the authorities in his business. I kind of left the room when he started talking and left it to Lauren. I was irritated that he didn't let us make an informed decision about it, but I'm sure it'll be fine. Right? I mean, if someone calls the cops, it'll be great for the blog. I'll take a picture -- I like to taunt authorities.

So, yeah. Having the reception in the backyard has some very distinct disadvantages. Rain, humidity, heat, lack of seating, police, possible arrest and mosquitoes being chief among the *dis*advantages. Advantages are: there will be no catering manager telling us to pull the plug at midnight and, of course, lowered costs. I did it for love and money. That seems admirable, right?

I figure that the family friends and the elderly-types will come for an hour or two for the free drink/cake/garter/bouquet combo and then roll out before sunset, if they come through at all. Those that soldier through the heat and the darkness will be rewarded with a S'mores Toast at 10PM. I really want to spend as much time as possible with the people are hardy enough to hang -- hopefully this extra time will be worth all of the uncertainty. There will be a room upstairs, air conditioning on at full blast, reserved seating for the elderly and mothers. I can make cute signs! So yeah, if you are planning a backyard wedding with no budget for a tent, you gotta be able to tolerate a lot of ambiguity up until the very final hours.

That being said, ten day forecasting starts tomorrow.

The Eagles Have Landed

2009-07-20T22:52:00.007-04:00

We arrived in SC on Saturday night and it is shocking how happy I am in this little basement. We are 12 days from the weddin'. I am marveling at Ariel's post on suit shopping. Thinking about the logistics of Christmas lights, some bum bubbles we've got to make bubblier, following up on volunteer emails, completing my photographer email, sending an email about how the cake topper should look, buying some white spanks and a white strapless push up bra, getting my makeup done at MAC, and, of course, what exactly Lauren will be wearing to the wedding.

We've decided to stop talking about it. Well, I haven't stopped, maybe mentioning it, occasionally, but Lauren has definitely stopped responding. We both think this is a good strategy.

We are also toying with the idea of sleeping apart the night of the wedding. So, when I see her the next day, that's when I will find out what she's wearing. Also, a good strategy. Since she won't let me see, or tell me about, her outfit beforehand. A fun little role reversal, if you ask me.

Oh yeah! I also have to buy a garter. And convince Lauren to be the one to wear it.

Any advice on at-home-waxing kits, while we are on the subject of cornucopia list-like posting?

Pom Pom Alert

2009-07-15T22:24:00.003-04:00

I just made the first tissue paper pom pom. IT IS BEAUTIFUL. First of all, it's just like the tissue paper flowers from childhood, no razzle, no dazzle, no 13 step instructions. Second of all, my pom pom is beautiful.

OK.

That's it. Just checking in. (Love my pom pom).

Favors

2009-07-15T12:10:00.008-04:00

This is the pre-hubby. The only reason I am writing this entry is because Desaray won't pack. So, I am going to push this little button entry on the fast track. We made some buttons. They are awesome. Desaray did a really great job in paint - per usual. Desaray can't keep the buttons to herself so she is going to post pictures. See somewhere in the blog entry. Okay, we gotta go. We are moving to South Carolina and nothing is packed. Desaray keeps telling me to put my books in garbage bag and I think that is pretty messed up. Plus, we are getting fat.

This is the pre-wifey. The only reason I am writing this entry is because Lauren didnt tell you about the Etsy seller or the cost of the buttons. We are getting them from Brainscan, they are costing .35 each and we are ordering 200. We are using them as favors, but they will also start conversations and honor our special guests and volunteers. I made them all, but the first five are Lauren's choice of images, except the Guest of Honor button. So yeah, those are them. The other cool thing about it is that we are having political buttons on our wedding cake which is also s'mores flavored. So that's, like, the tie in.

Awesome.

Thursday morning we leave for a wedding and Saturday morning we leave for South Carolina. See you Monday?

Guest Count

2009-07-13T21:06:00.001-04:00

In total, we asked about 150 people to come to our wedding via mailed invitation. Three weeks out, we only have 87 RSVP cards in the affirmative, but we have 40 verbal yeses! This puts us at about 137 yeses, when you combine writing and the word. About 9 people have shown neither hide nor hair of their intentions.

My question is, with 40 people just *saying* yes, does that decrease their seriousness, their motivation, their drive to get their asses out of bed on a Saturday and brave what will surely be abysmal parking and poor air conditioning to come to our nuptials? Is that kind of "yes" really a "Yes!" or is it just a
"Probably," a "Hopefully," or a "Sure, why not?"

Luckily, we are passing finger foods, so I dont have to drive myself crazy with RSVPs and their relationship to seating arrangements. 'Cause if I had to worry about seating arrangements, I couldnt worry about where to put the tiki torches and one is clearly more fun to worry about than the other.

A Weekend Tribute

2009-07-11T09:47:00.001-04:00

to our lovely moms, Paula and Lorie, as captured at the bridal shower. Lauren's left, Desaray's right.

L'Amour et L'Eau Fraiche

2009-07-10T10:46:00.010-04:00

Unfortunately, the tie poll has been postponed due to the devasted malaise of lesbian sadness. We are going to the tailor today to see what we can't do about our little suit problem. I'm hoping that when we are done we have the same awesome results that Trinity from The Life and Love of Us had when she went back to her tailor.

The other thing is that we are moving to South Carolina. I've been meaning to mention that, but wasn't quite sure how to gracefully fit it in between the tie wars and the dress drama and still relate it to weddings.

Long story short, Lauren and I attended her brother's funeral in February and her sister's wedding in March. With her head spinning from the grief and joy, Lauren made an executive decision to move to South Carolina. There I was, the morning after the wedding, on the millionth floor of Caesar's Palace, looking out over the Nevada desert videotaping my fiancee calling her mom to say we were moving home. Yes, I videotaped, I was too shocked to just sit there.

At any rate, I've since adjusted. I know it's, like, wierd to say that your fiancee decided to move south of the Mason Dixon line without your consent, but that it's still OK, but it is. OK, I mean. And, weird, too, I know. It's only temporary, the people will be nicer, the gym memberships cheaper and we'll get to save money. Because we will be living in her parent's basement. At least, at first.

I know. It's crazy. The next blog might be called Dingbasement. But really, drastic times call for drastic measures. People die and people are born. People get diagnosed with cancer and other people try to make babies. People travel to China and other people are alone in big houses with empty basements. Your kid sister has a break up and your dog-nephew turn three years old and you just want to be around for every last bit of it. Even if it's happening south of the Mason Dixon. I mean, I understand.

At any rate, this move has done a few crazy things to the wedding plan. Long story shorter and more exciting, we are moving to SC on July 18 and flying back up July 30, or something, for the wedding, then we are postponing the honeymoon, maybe until the end of September, and flying to Orlando, Florida for a week of profesional development for Lauren's new job. Then, we are flying back to SC round about August 11, at which point I will start looking for a job. Or something.

In the meantime, Lauren and I have spent the past three weeks flying like bumble bees from wedding flower to moving blossom, getting things done, puttering and buzzing. We have other people's weddings and baby showers, birthdays and laundry. We are low on funds, but not love. Or credit. And really, that's all you need. Love, fresh water and credit. And beagles.

The Best Advice Possible

2009-07-09T07:45:00.004-04:00

Tie Vid Four

Uh-oh.

2009-07-08T14:35:00.002-04:00

Suit's in. Shoulders are big and boxy. Waist is baggy. Devastated malaise of lesbian sadness descends. Updates forthcoming.

Tie Vid Three

2009-07-08T08:33:00.007-04:00

In which she ties a tie without the help of the internet.

In which we learn that only her father and the other dude-waiters ever tied her ties when she worked at Olive Garden.

In which we confirm that yes, one should start at the tip of the belly button.

In which Lauren asks me if I like the skinny tie and I say something vague and positive because she asked me that in the other video and I already said something vague and positive once and how many times do I have to be vague and positive before she just DOES WHAT I SAY DO.

In which she asks me a second time, which is actually a third time, and I get irritated, but then she starts dancing.

In which I have to laugh.

Tie Vid Two

2009-07-07T06:29:00.003-04:00

In which Lauren discusses the importance of the tip of the belly button as it pertains to tie tieing and Butter, the engagement present, makes a non-injured, non-epileptic cameo.

Tie Vid One

2009-07-05T19:33:00.007-04:00

Because there are not enough videos on the internet of girls tieing their ties, this week, I will be posting videos of my girl tieing her ties. It's part public service and part wrong-righting. I am meeting a need, heeding a call.

Also, www.tie-a-tie.com.

I Got My Bow Hat

2009-07-03T13:47:00.000-04:00

And it was everything I hoped it would be.

The Offending Tie

2009-07-03T10:05:00.003-04:00

A better picture of the offending tie above, front and center. Lauren and I went shopping yesterday and bought three more ties. Next week, we will have a tie vlog extravaganza, culminating in a poll or two.

Polls are awesome.

Suit Update

2009-07-02T02:52:00.009-04:00

By tomorrow, Lauren's brand new suit will be hanging in her closet and shots from her second fitting at Dash's of Olde Town will be gracing the gay wedding website So You're Engayged. Getting fitted for the suit while Kelly took pictures, might prove to be one of the highlights of this whole wedding planning process. Lauren got to feel beautiful and important and I got to banter with Victor, the sassiest, most good-looking suit maker ever.

That being said, Lauren and I have had trouble picking out wedding clothes that we both like, individually and as a couple. We just have different tastes and different priorities. I mean, you know, as a couple, Lauren and I both have those things we either or love or hate to see the other person wearing. And when we go out, I kind of want us to look like we have something to do with one another in terms of colors and style. But when you combine these two imperatives for a wedding day, the feelings can get a little tender.

For example, when I brought Lauren to the store to see my dress, she gave it a "6" on a scale of 1 - 10. Clearly, I bought it anyway and luckily, she has seen it since it was altered and said that I look beautiful in it. I was so relieved and grateful. I mean, my fiancee' couldve hated my wedding dress! (Now I know why they really say dont let them see your wedding dress before the wedding!)

But, at the end of the day, it is more important that I like how I look than that Lauren likes how I look. The Wedding Industrial Complex was just startled out of sleep by a strange and terrifying doom, and it sure is crazy to say that it's OK if your betrothed doesnt like your dress, but you know, it's just one of those things thats true and doesnt change on your wedding day, just because it's your wedding day.

So, now we are on this whole suit thing. My main priority in choosing a fabric for the suit was the wedding day, but Lauren's focus is all the days after the wedding. Because the suit is so expensive, she wants something that she can wear again and again. So, for her, this means a dark suit with a shirt and tie that most reflects her personal style, but for me, it would mean a suit with a shirt and tie that match our wedding colors and made sense for the summer season.

We went to Dash's to look at fabrics, like, three times and I did my best to be supportive by helping Lauren pick something she would love while keeping my opinions in the backseat. They were still in the car, mind you, but definitely in the back seat. Having a suit custom made is a big deal for anybody, but it is an even bigger deal for Lauren because of all that tricky lesbian stuff. So, I was a good partner, even though I also wanted to get my way, but mostly I was a good partner. Like she was to me with the whole dress thing.

So, right now, Lauren has a black suit with cream pinstripses and a black tie with burgundy stripes, even though we are having a brown, purple and blue wedding. She doesnt have a shirt or shoes. (Don't even get me started on shoes. That's gonna be a whole other trauma.) I'm not sure how this is gonna work out, but I have confidence in Lauren's natural beauty and developed aesthetic. She says she can pull it off.

In the photo above you can see me fretting over ties. The offending tie is pictured middle. I hate it, but Victor and Lauren love it. The three of us actually had a lot of fun bickering about ties during Lauren's second fitting. Or should I say, Victor and Lauren had a lot of fun creating a tie-alliance against me. Finally, Victor, made a genius maneuver for which I am very grateful. He gifted Lauren the offending tie. Now, Lauren can have this tie she loves, but we still have some cash left over to buy another one for the wedding. Which she has graciously offered to consider doing. Maybe.

I mean, we defintely tried our best to discuss expectations and hopes and fears about this whole wedding suit business before we got into the kitchen, but now that we have mixed up gobs of money with lesbian gender politics and added a dash of Italian accent into the potent brew of wedding planning between individuals and equals, I'm sorry to say we can't take the heat! Unfortunately, it looks like I'm going to have to rid myself of this whole "good partner" thing. No more Mr. Good Partner. I'm gonna have to go ahead and crack a few eggs to make this here wedding omelet and while it might be too late to get a brown suit, Lauren will be wearing a blue tie on our wedding day if it's the last wedding thing I do.

Or purple. Or maybe a nice cream color . . . anything but burgundy and black stripes. Seriously.

Wedding Shower #2

2009-06-30T10:45:00.004-04:00

My friend Miasia, who has no car and a bum ankle, snagged these cupcakes, then took a bus and a train to the shower while arriving an hour early. Then, she introduced an awesome wedding shower game involving a blind fold and a wooden spoon! She receives the Golden Mouse Award for sure.

And, Emma, our organzier and hostess, didnt do such a shabby job, neither!

By the way, mine and Lauren's nicknames are mouse and fish.

Happy Friday!

2009-06-26T06:58:00.003-04:00

The wedding shower's tomorrow!

I want to capitalize that, [W]edding [S]hower, but it shouldnt be, right?

(wEDDING sHOWER!)

To Be Hand Delivered This Saturday Morning

2009-06-25T11:24:00.005-04:00

Confetti is So Passe'

2009-06-24T06:19:00.004-04:00

So, I thought it would be super fun if our wedding-goers tossed Quaker Oats at us as we left the Meeting House and got into the car to head to the reception at the house. Lauren insisted that the oats would leave a dusty film on her wedding suit and stated that we could not throw oats. I proposed an oat experiment, the results of which you can see above.

In case your wondering, my impromptu bouquet is mint stalks from the planter out front. Those pretty purple mint blossoms and some hydrangreas would be cute, no?

At any rate, might a 20% oat, 20% birdseed, and 20% flower seed, and, I dont know, 40% mini marshmellow mixture create a more desirable result? Are those things dusty? Only a second experiment will tell.

I just really want to use those cute, cylindrical Quaker Oat boxes.

This particular mixture also inspires so many activity options. For example, then, toward the end of the evening, we can toast marshmellows! And the favors can be flower seeds! And we can decorate the yard with birdfeeders! But only after we make silouhettes! And order pizza!

I'd like to propose a new word. It is "weddophrenic" and describes the disorganized thought patterns, hallucinations and delusions that accompany wedding planning. There is a prodromal period of 14-28 days prior to the 30 days prior to the wedding. My current delusion is that I really should come up with some activities in order for everyone to enjoy themselves because talking to one another and drinking alcohol isnt quite enough.

Announcement: New Policy Re: Comments

2009-06-22T19:10:00.005-04:00

I am now going to respond to comments from commenters.

Initally, I did, in fact, comment back because that's what normal people do. Then, I stopped because I got this one chastizing comment and then my father-in-law-to-be left this crazy comment I just didnt even know what to do with (what were you thinking!?) and I figured that silence was just the most golden way to go, plus I was working a lot at a difficult job and if I had opened that Pandora's box, I surely wouldve sought solace in the arms of "Publish Your Comment" too, too often.

But now. I am commenting back. Because first, I'm on vacation and have time. Second, I need something to do with my increasingly nervous energy regarding this whole wedding business. And third, it's what normal people do (when other people suggest that they might the "barnacle variety" of seborreic keratosis)!

Wedding Plastic Surgery

2009-06-22T07:10:00.002-04:00

Some brides have their boobs done or their teeth whitened; maybe they hire a personal trainer. Some brides go cheaper, wear a padded push-up bra, buy a curling iron and call it a day. And still others of us drink copious amounts of Slimfast and get cryotherapy for their seborreic keratosis.

I'm in the later category. And I'm excited for this opportunity to look a little busted on the internet. It's tiring always looking at pretty, pretty stuff while trying to look pretty, pretty. This way, I get to take a break from being so cute and pretend that I've made some big foray into cosmetic procedures.

In the above photo, you will find me day-two post cryotherapy for sebboreic keratosis, which, is just, like, brown spots, basically. I don't know, look it up, if you're interested or similarly afflicted. So whatcha do to get rid of one before your wedding day is call your doctor whose last name is Flood. Schedule for him to blast you in the face with some liquid nitrogen like he did last time. Again, because he doesnt actually remember you, he'll tell you it might blister, but it wont. Again, he'll tell you it takes two weeks to heal, but it's more like two days. He'll mention that the spot's not even related to sun exposure, so there's nothing you can actually do to keep it from coming back. Then he'll have his secretary ask for your twenty dollar co-pay which he is now going to get once a year for the rest of your life.

Minus the waiting, the cosmetic blasting takes approximately 17 seconds, but you'll feel like a million bucks once this purple spot falls off, revealing the the fresh, pink skin beneath. Just one month and ten days to tan it to a nice golden brown!

Wording of The Certificate and The Promises

2009-06-19T23:03:00.009-04:00

(Ehem.)

On this first day of the eighth month, in the year two thousand and nine, in the city of Washington, D.C.,

Desaray Helen Smith
of Arlington Co., Virginia
and
Lauren Theresa Evans
of Greenville Co., South Carolina

having declared their intentions of marriage to the Washington D.C., Monthly Meeting of the Religious Society of Friends, held at their meeting house on Florida Ave., NW in Washington, D.C., according to the good order used among them, and having the consent of their parents, their proposed marriage was allowed by that Meeting and they gathered together in confirmation of their devotion and were married.

They took each other by the hand and
spoke the following words:

In the presence of the Light,
I take you to be my beloved,
I will be a courageous and adoring partner.
I ask you to be the same.
I promise to delight in you
and cherish your spirit,
to welcome life’s challenges with patience and humor,
I promise to revel in our differences
and in our passions.

This commitment is born of hope,
declared in the presence of family and friends,
nurtured with gratitude, lived joyfully
and made more true today.

And Lauren,
taking Desaray by the hand, did say to her:
I, Lauren, take you, Desaray, to be my wife.
I promise to be courageous and adore you.
I promise to offer you the last bite of each of my meals
until death does us more deeply unite.

And Desaray,
taking Lauren by the hand, did say to her:
I, Desaray, take you, Lauren, to be my wife.
I promise to be courageous and adore you.
I promise to caress the back of your neck whenever you ask it of me
until death does us more deeply unite.

And, in the Jewish tradition, as a reminder that although the they are unified in love, the world is broken and in need of mending by them, they broke a ceremonial glass

And in further confirmation of their love and this reminder, they, the said Lauren Theresa Evans and
Desaray Helen Smith, creating a custom of Marriage, adopted the surname of one another
and set their hands below:

---------------------------------------

---------------------------------------

And their friends and family, having been present in tender witness of this wedding,
and promising to honor, celebrate, and defend these promises,
set their hands below:

(Imagine the swirly, scratchy, loopy signatures of 100 of our nearest and dearest, here.)

(I think we prolly get to kiss after I say that part about her neck.)

(How convenient.)

(And maybe we'll break some glass after that.)

(And maybe there will be "I am my beloved's and she is mine" written in Hebrew at the bottom of the certificate)

(OK. I'm done. What d'ya think?)

File Under Fun

2009-06-17T21:21:00.003-04:00

Looky at this awesome thing that's happening in Australia on my wedding day.

I love my wedding day.

Wedding From Hell - Scenario 1

2009-06-17T06:43:00.005-04:00

With 1 month and 15 days until the wedding, the anxieties are beginning to creep in. I would like to try to have fun with these feelings by starting a series called "Wedding From Hell" in which I create digital dramatizations of my most nagging concerns.

Between the weather (uncontrollable), the food (will there be enough?), Lauren's suit (still not ready), the wedding certificate (vendor has missed the deadline twice), alcohol (will I drink too much?) and my appearance (perennial topic of ruminaton), there are just so many subjects to choose from.

Today, I pick the weather.

According to weather.com, it has not rained on my wedding date for the past three years. I do not feel that this is good news. I don't know much about math, but what makes me worried has something to do with odds, as I understand them.

Also, the moon will be waxing gibbous and the sun willl set at 8:19. If we can see the things. Through the raging swath of cumulonimbus clouds that are sure to obscure them both.

We Turn the Tables With Our Unity

2009-06-16T06:20:00.000-04:00

Out of the blue, our wedding DJ sent us a representative sample of songs that he'll be playing at the wedding. Mr. Smudge is doing our wedding for a bargain basement price, so I was pleasantly surprised when he went out of his way to send this to us. We arent having a first dance and we arent asking the guests for song recommendations and we arent providing him a list of must-hears. Basically, we're saying to him, "If you show up, we'll be stoked."

I especially appreciate the protest vibe of Pretend We're Dead and the universal appeal of songs like Candy Girl, Self Control and Love You Down.

*The Promise-- When In Rome
*Candy Girl-- New Edition
*Automatic-- Pointer Sisters
*Computer Love-- ZAPP
*This Love-- Maroon 5 (Cut Copy remix)
*Love Buzz-- Shocking Blue
*Heart and Soul-- T'Pau
*Lets Make Love and Listen to Death From Above- CSS
*Pretend Were Dead-- L7
*Message Of Love-- The Pretenders
*Da Funk-- Daft Punk
*Self Control-- Laura Branigan
*I Wanna Be w. You Eveywhere-- Fleetwood Mac
*Hang On To Your Love-- Sade
*Crush-- Kocky
*Just Cant Get Enough-- Depeche Mode
*Far Away-- Cut Copy
*Cherry Cola Funk-- Hail Social
*Love You Down-- INOJ
*Punk Rock Girl-- Dead Milkmen

In Enjoyment

2009-06-14T23:41:00.006-04:00

During our engagement, Lauren and I had two deaths in the family – my dad and her brother. We’ve been thinking of ways, not to remember them, but to enjoy them in their absence. Most of the methods out their have something to do with pictures – set up on a table, on the bouquet, around the neck, in a program.

Mostly, though, we have settled on a purple dragon. Lauren’s brother was known for driving around town with a purple dragon tied to the top of his car. Therefore, clearly, the most fun way to incorporate Jon’s memory is to tie a purple dragon to the top of our wedding get-away car.

I’m still a little stuck on how to do my dad. A couple years ago, I discovered Victorian mourning jewelry. Apparently, it was all the rage back in the Victorian day to cut a lock of hair from a dead loved one and weave or braid it into a locket or a bracelet. There is an antique store down the street with a locket in the window. It has a shock of white hair inside, but it’s not woven.

Lauren thinks it is the most disgusting thing in the entire world, but I’m strangely attracted to it. And I think it would look great with my dress. On the other hand, it’s 125.00 bucks and doesn’t really have anything to do with my dad and I would have to spend time and money turning it from a locket into a pendant.

Maybe I could tie a stuffed Pomeranian to the dragon. One of my dad’s last dogs was a Pomeranian. Try to imagine a sunburned, sandy-headed house painter, in his cargo van, with the ladders on top and a fuzzy little fawn-colored frou-frou dog ever at his side. They were quite a pair.

One of my favorite stories about my dad was from the days when John Muhammad and his son were running around shooting people. There were reports that they were driving a white cargo van and the police set up road blocks to pull over every white cargo van every time another sniping incident occurred. My dad was a housepainter and drove a white cargo van. One day, he got pulled over by a uniformed police officer toting a machine gun who, upon seeing the Pomeranian, just smiled, shook his head and waved my dad along.

Surely, no serial killer would be in possession of such a cute dog.

So, now, I just need to snag an inflatable purple dinosaur, a stuffed pomeranian and a car for getting away in, as well as some shaving cream and beer cans.

Butter vs. the Jack Russell Terrier

2009-06-12T05:38:00.002-04:00

Maybe you remember I got Lauren a dog when she gave me a ring. Maybe you remember the engagement present vs. the squirrel, in which the engagement present prevailed, or maybe you remember the enegagement present vs. the car, in which he lost. Well last week, I'm gonna say it was a tie, since there were no stiches involved. Not that the Jack Russell walked away with a sliced ear, or a sliced anything, for that matter.

I'm telling ya, this poor dog . . .

2004

2009-06-10T05:30:00.004-04:00

I don't know if I've mentioned it, but one of my absolute favorite things on this blog is the little feature called My Life in Weddings where I go through all my old pictures and remember the weddings I've been to.

Next up! Cara and Aziz! They got married at the courthouse in Montgomery County. I knew Cara from working at NAF and my girlfriend at the time, Abby, was best friends with Aziz because he was a regular at her bar. Cara and Aziz met at the bar on New Year's Eve and were together from that night on.

I wore a black Banana Republic halter dress that I got for 20 bucks at Mustard Seed. I also wore these pink platform straw mules. I mean, Maybe you would have to see them. They were the kind of shoes that you just love, but your person just hates, but you just can't stop wearing them because you think they are so interesting and different. Notice I am not wearing them in the picture, however.

At any rate, I loved this wedding because it was fun, humble and on the fly. The reception was held after hours at the Improv because a friend of the groom worked there. It was an interfaith, interracial wedding; parents were not pleased. In fact, the maid of honor had gotten married a just few weeks before to a man she had known for three months. We were all just so young and in love.

But like all happy wedding stories, the best thing is about this wedding that Cara and Aziz, and the even the maid of honor and her man, are all still together. There's something about the 5 year mark. I myself have never hit it, but it seems like, no matter what happens, if you make to the fifth year, you've accomplished something special.

Viva 10K Tuesday

2009-06-09T05:37:00.000-04:00

There used to be a feature on Dingmoonment called 10K Tuesday in which I would post a recently played scratch-off purchased in the hopes of cushioning the wedding budget. The feature was even more wedding-perfect once I found these great Pink Panther scratch-offs in which uncovering a diamond won you an extra 25 bucks.

But then that scratch-off got discontinued! Uninspired by the Betty Boops and and flying pigs and fuzzy dice featured on other scratch-offs, I stopped buying and featuring my (losing) scratch offs.

Until now. I think the above scratch-off more than applies to our little lesbian wedding theme.

Clearness and Oversight

2009-06-07T17:08:00.011-04:00

This past Wednesday, I got my first copy of Friends Journal the mail. This month's issue is titled "Marriage, Gender and Relationships". There are articles with titles ranging from "Early Quaker Families 1650 - 1800" to "Transitioning in the Light" by a transgender Quaker woman. This whole Quaker thing is so my cup of tea.

One article, "The Nurture of Quaker Marriages", describes the nuts and bolts of the committees responsible for marriage and the procedure of Quaker weddings. I spent the better part of Sunday sitting on the front steps and read almost all of it and the rest of the magazine.

As I've mentioned before, Lauren and I are being married under the care the Friends Meeting of Washington. We have two committees that are responsible for "the care" of our marriage, the Clearness Committee and the Oversight Committee. They are like the right and left side of the brain. Or, kind of like me and Lauren, respectively.

The Clearness Committee wants to know how the two of us met, the Oversight Committee wants to know what time the caterer is coming. The Clearness Committee wants to know how we feel about second class citizenship as a gay couple. And the Oversight Committee wants to know when the caterer is leaving.

We have already had our Clearness Committee and in two weeks, Me, Lauren and the caterer will meet with the Oversight Committee to bang out timelines, roles and responsibilities for the day of the wedding. The Clearness Committee chose themselves based on who was available from the Marriage and Family Committee. I slapped the Oversight Committee together from a hodge-podge of friends, members of the Clearness Committee and willing volunteers.

Our Clearness Committee consisted of two women, Susan and Joan. Both women are straight, but I'm not sure about marital status -- Joan hasn't mentioned a significant other. At any rate, the four of us sat for 2 hours one Sunday and talked about our relationship past, present and future. At one point, Joan was in private practice providing couples' counseling, and on occassion, she used some of her counseling tricks on us. Namely, telling Lauren to stop interrupting me. Ehem.

Basically, Lauren and I left the Meeting that day energized and excited, totally in love and convinced that our relationship was the best thing since sliced bread. I definitely expected more challenges, more difficult questions, some discomfort. I mean, surely one of these middle aged straight women was going to bring up sex, right?

Maybe part of me even wanted to be challenged, to be asked "Are you sure?" I wanted it to be part crucible, part interrogation -- Can you two kids pass muster? Do you have what it takes? Are you tough enough? I wanted a hard-earned stamp of approval, a vetting process, but the two hours we spent felt more like a pep rally.

Unfortunately, I can't say that's the actual purpose of a Clearness Committee. In the article in Friends Journal, the author, Ruth Peterson, talks about her own Meetings' Clearness Committee process and says that some couples felt like their Clearness process was "more of a social occasion, than a time of probing questions" and that several couples expressed "definite disappointment" with the process.

The Committe changed the way they did things and thier process now consists of 4 separate meetings over the course of several weeks. There is one meeting with each member of the couple seperately, one meeting of just the Clearness Committee without the couple and one meeting with everyone. The author writes that she feels like her Meeting, "has moved closer to providing the level of marriage counseling that is offered in most other faith communities."

At any rate, what's done is done and, in the end, a pep talk with no conditions or caveats isnt such a bad deal. With all of the stress of wedding planning and uncertainty of being a same-sex couple, two hours of "Wow, you guys are great," is great, too. Really, the whole process of putting together a wedding is a great big Clearness Committee, with photographers telling us we are cute and tailors making us look skinny and bloggers excited about wedsite and various and sundry vendors taking our money and saying thank you. But then there's the moms and uncles asking if you really want to wear that, or eat that, or say that or do that. Lots and lots of vetting there, discernment at every corner. And more deeply, there's meeting with the calligrapher to decide what to say on the Certificate, and writing the vows, and talking about what it means to hold a sacred space and whether a photographer can be a part of that.

Throwing a wedding is a great big exercise in legitimacy, unconditional regard, and support. Thoughtful questions, gentle concerns and double checks. And what gay couple doesn't need that?

The Pork Muffin and Other Delights

2009-06-03T20:23:00.007-04:00

On Sunday, the caterer packed us up some of the tender vittles she was planning on making for the wedding and Lauren and I took them home for a private tasting.

While the bruschetta, chicken satay skewers, mini crabcakes, and savory cheesecakes were all delightful, it is the pork tenderloin and peach chutney on a sweet potato muffin that I really needed to tell you about.

It was really good.

And They're Off!

2009-06-01T22:22:00.004-04:00

We mailed the invitations off on Saturday and Sunday. Some people have even gotten them already!

There were certainly some twists and turns on the long road to this mailbox moment. I will blog about them long after all impulses towards snark and snip have dissipated.

But today, on this day, Lauren and I have reached a major milestone. And we are proud to deliver this, the money shot of bridal bloggers everywhere.

How to Alter a Wedding Dress

2009-05-31T22:40:00.001-04:00

1.) Buy the sixth dress tried on from the first store you go to.

2.) Make sure it is used and there is only one in the whole world to your knowledge

3.) Even though the sales lady says it is too small and that she was just having you try it on to see the particular cut, do #1 and #2

4.) Gain 2-3 pounds

5.) Write on the internet about how great it that you don't have to worry about your weight because you will be covered in lots of crinoline

6.) Feel kind of worried by one commenter's post about how you have to watch what you eat when you have a mermaid cut dress

7.) Internalize the difference between all of the princess cut dresses you have been seeing on the internet and the mermaid cut dress you bought

8.) Go to your first fitting with a tailor who either can't speak a lot of English, chooses not to speak a lot of English or chooses not to speak a lot of English in this particular situation because she knows you won't change your mind about wearing this dress

9.) Gain 2-3 more pounds.

10.) Go to your second fitting

11.) Stop gaining weight

12.) Don't try on the dress after the second fitting, just pick it up

13.) Join a gym

14.) Try Medifast dutch chocolate shakes, but settle on Slim Fast due to cost and flavor

15.) Get intellectual about the experience of food, hunger, eating, portion sizes, flavor, texture, desire, gluttony, aescetism, pleasure, anticipation and why the new gym doesnt have a scale

16.) Know that no one will notice how the dress hitches up at your waist and folds over if you don't tell them

17.) Enjoy

Warning

2009-05-27T05:40:00.004-04:00

So, I decided that I am going to post pictures of not the just the dress, but me in it. This is your warning. This will happen on Monday. Some members of the Smith Evans family will be quite consternated by this, but I believe the most important thing about the dress is me in it and us in the moment together.

So, please don't worry. If you see the pictures of me in the dress, I promise that me in it and us in the moment will be a hundred times better. But if you want to keep yourself pure of all images of me in the dress, make yourself scarce, as my dad used to say, on Monday, June 1.

(Exactly 60 days from the date of me in it and you and me in the moment.)

The UnShower

2009-05-25T22:02:00.005-04:00

I totally and literally chillaxed in Cali; it was minus 19 degrees and very fun all weekend. Me and my college friends, Jon, Kate and Dina, barbequed, shopped at Home Depot and Babies R Us, made a baby hopper, hung a TV. We ate sushi and drank wine. Went to Quaker Meeting. Enjoyed Berkely, Marin and Sonoma. Shopped for Guest of Honor dresses and played frisbee. Cooed over the new baby and watched home videos.

From a bridal shower persspective, when I got off the plane, the threesome regaled me with regalia -- a sash, a button and a tiara. I became quickly enamored by the tiara and took lots of gnome-like photos of it in unlikely places, like the breast pump cooler. We watched Kate and Howie's wedding video and Kate's husband Howie shed some tears. It was perfect and sweet. I showed them Offbeat Bride. Jon got very excited by the prospect of making Lauren and I a video like Brian and Eileen's. It was an unshower because there were no presents, very little talk about hair or dresses, just four friends reconnecting in preparation for an important milestone.

I will have to wait until June 27th for my bow hat.

Happy Friday

2009-05-22T17:17:00.000-04:00

Have you ever read this?

The Peonies

By Mary Oliver

This morning the green fists of the peonies are getting ready
to break my heart... Read More
as the sun rises,
as the sun strokes them with his old, buttery fingers

and they open ---
pools of lace,
white and pink ---
and all day the black ants climb over them,
boring their deep and mysterious holes
into the curls,
craving the sweet sap,
taking it away

to their dark, underground cities ---
and all day
under the shifty wind,
as in a dance to the great wedding,
the flowers bend their bright bodies,
and tip their fragrance to the air,
and rise,
their red stems holding

all that dampness and recklessness
gladly and lightly,
and there it is again ---
beauty the brave, the exemplary,

blazing open.
Do you love this world?
Do you cherish your humble and silky life?
Do you adore the green grass, with its terror beneath

Wedding Shower #1

2009-05-22T07:06:00.005-04:00

I'm sure we've all noticed the phenomenon of creating memories based on the pictures we have seen over and over so that the pictures become the memory, rather than the event. One of these for me is a picture of my mom wearing a bow hat (not pictured above). I don't know if it was a wedding shower or a 30th birthday, or what, but I love making bow hats for people at their showers and I can't wait to sport my own bow hat. I love the lameness of my bow hat excitement. See that girl up there in her bow hat? That's how I feel about bow hats.

This weekend, three of my dear friends are flying me out to San Francisco for my first wedding-type shower. This will be just four awesomes maxin' and relaxin', so I prolly won't get my coveted bow hat. But I will get some relaxation, sunshine and unconditional love in anticipation of the wedding, a day that will be fun, but too busy to breathe, much less relax.

So, I'm not off to be showered so much as misted; I'm going to California for some refreshing wedding dew.

And I am so grateful.

The Wedding Certificate

2009-05-21T06:15:00.003-04:00

According to the poll on our wedding wedsite, signing the Quaker marriage certificate is the most exciting part of the wedding for guests -- even more than attending a gay wedding! A quaker wedding certificate can be compared to a Ketubah or a civil marriage license. Unlike a Ketubah, though, which is signed by the couple, their parents and the officiant or a marriage license which is signed by, I dunno, the couple and the clerk of court, a Quaker certificate is signed by every guest at the wedding.

Historically, Quakers didnt register their marriages with the state and they didnt use the services of clergy, so the certificate is the most official piece of something that comes out of a Quaker wedding. (Which has a certain poetry to it in all of this anti-gay marriage nonsense.)

Most certificates have flowers and birds and woodland animals on them. I found the certificate posted above at Offbeat Bride. It's Kristen's from the Quaker group on the site, but she got marriaed a few months ago and doesnt frequent the boards anymore, so I'll never know where she got it from. I think the artist did a great job of including the couple's personalities and maintaining some sense of tradition and subtilty. Lauren and I will probably opt for a simple, stark something with no flowers, just letters.

Some people spend hundreds of dollars on having a custom certificate made. The certificates available through most Quaker bookstores cost around 40 bucks, and Lauren and I would totally go that route -- but they are gender specific. So, we are meeting with a calligrapher on May 30th to talk about the design for our certificate. It should run us around $250.00

When we set a date and place for the meeting, the calligrapher emailed, "OK! See you then. I'll be the red head with the black portfolio!" I wanted to reply, "I'll be the brunette with the lesbian!" But thought that might be a little too cheeky for an email with a vendor I hadnt met yet.

Round Two!

2009-05-20T07:28:00.002-04:00

Some of the engagement photos are back!

Third Time's the Charm

2009-05-17T22:00:00.008-04:00

So, I bought a curling iron and experimented for the third time with the hair. (There was one hair trial I'm not even going to post). I sat in the bathroom for an hour today remembering how I used to curl every strand of hair every morning throughout middle school. Wasn't that a trip.

It's been a long journey towards this, the probable final product. First, I tried some '50's hair before I even had a veil. Most people agreed when Lauren said I looked like that girl from the cable show about polygamy. Then, I trolled for pictures of brides wearing birdcages with their hair down. Then, I made a veil and had daydreams about scrapping the hair problem and just going for a ponytail. Then, I got into braids.

And now, here we are. With this style, I've got the hair down and curled like Lauren wanted, but out of my face like I wanted. With the braid, I don't have to worry about heat making some poof, twist or swirl go limp or about popping bobby pins. Beautiful, but managed. Luxurious, but secure. Unfortunately, on this go-around, the back looks like a rat's nest and I didn't curl every piece of hair, so there are are stray straight wisps, but fixable or not, I'm pretty much 95% with this 'do.

And, best of all, I can do it myself.

Please click on the mosaic for an up-close of Lauren licking the final product.

2003

2009-05-14T10:06:00.004-04:00

Natalie and Brady got married in 2004. As you can see, I wore the strapless black jumper from white house black market again. Also Kate braided my hair. (Over memorial day weekend, she will be auditioning for the honor of braiding my hair again, but this time for my wedding. She is so good at braiding, it’s kinda amazing.) I am pictured with Dina.

At any rate, the thing I remember most about this wedding was the water ceremony. Instead of lighting a unity candle, Brady and Natalie each went to the river near where they grew up and scooped some water which they then brought to Arizona. I think Natalie’s was from the Potomac and Brady’s was from the Colorado. Then they ritually mingled the water during the ceremony. Natalie will you describe it in the comments section? I'm afraid that I am butchering it. (I'm also afraid that I am butchering the year of your wedding!) At any rate, I was really struck by the depth and authenticity of the ritual.

Depth and authenticity seems hard to come by these days with all of us DIY/alternative/punk rock/gay and lesbian type people throwing together all of these hodge-podge every-which-way new-fangled traditions.

Circle Necklaces

2009-05-13T06:43:00.005-04:00

Taking the plunge and buying jewelry is proving to be the most difficult thing to do. I'm not a jewery person and I just keep thinking about how I will buy all this jewlery and not like and not wear it on the day. At any rate, the best way to manage ambivalance is to passively surf Etsy for hours and hours, right?

On theme of circle necklaces, this is what I found. The multiple circle necklace is by DGDesigns and the "Dancing Circle" necklace is by SimpleWorld. Is the first too delicate to even be noticed? Is the second to heavy for a wedding-type situation?

I'm definitely still open to not wearing any jewelry. After all, my collar bones are pretty killer and my hair will probably be half down. Nice hair and good collar bones are still enough to make a neck pretty in this day and age, aren't they?

I'm probably going to buy three pieces of jewelry, then take pictures and have a poll, like I did for the necklace for the engagement shoot. This decision is too dumb to make all by myself.

The Cake - Take One

2009-05-12T06:38:00.003-04:00

So this is the first draft of the cake. Right now it's 3 tiers and the main colors are purple and brown. The brown portions will be made to look like corkboard and the cake-makers will create political buttons to stick into the cork board. We are using a combination of vintage 70's liberation movement buttons, as well Facebook flair. I wish the Facebook flair wasnt so awesome, but it is. I mean they have a button that says, "You can't scare me, I'm a social worker," fer heaven's sake.

Right now, the cake topper is going to be a fish caught in a mousetrap because our nicknames are mouse and fish. But yesterday we started to veer away from mouse and fish and started talking about having a representational cake topper of us -- so like, a little Desaray and a little Lauren -- except I would be wearing a suit and Lauren would be wearing a dress. Kinda like on our wedsite page.

As far as flavors, we only liked the pumpkin. We are going to have a second tasting to include cardamom and pistachio, as well as every flavor with fruit in it to maximize juicyness. I don't really want an all-pumpkin cake in the middle of August, it'd be like wearing mittens to the ocean, don't you think?

Mary also promises that there will be a wedding shower cake, over which Lauren and I have no control. I love it when people say I have no control over something. But, hopefully the cake will be scandalous. So scandalous, we wont be able to show it to our parents. That would be an awesome shower cake.

Click on the image above to make it bigger.

A Taste of What's to Come

2009-05-11T07:01:00.002-04:00

I know this might sound kind of strange, but Lauren and I both agree that we turned a corner this weekend. Tasting and drawing cakes, for whatever reason, kicked our wedding excitment into high gear. Talking about what colors the tiers should be was more exciting than dresses and suits and veils and shoes, if you can believe it.

Maybe it's because the cake is going to be two feet tall. Maybe it's because it's a fancy cake from a famous maker. Maybe it's because we had lunch with a friend about her gift, rather than a meeting with a vendor about a product. Maybe it's just the tipping point of wedding awesomeness, like all those other wedding milestones dragged us to the cliff, but the cake pushed us off. We are officially coasting through the clouds of wedding awesomeness.

I can't believe I was ever skeptical or ambivalent about having a wedding because this is totally rad. Tomorrow, I'll post the cake sketch.

Let Them Eat Cake

2009-05-08T05:38:00.010-04:00

With less than three months until the wedding, and the most we have seen of the caterer is the cute little tailend of her station wagon everytime we head up to King St. Nonetheless, I am confident that a proposal is just around the corner. Right? Right! (Lauren, have you emailed her yet?)

In other news, me, Lauren and Emma (honorary maid of honor) are going to taste cake tomorrow. The flavors for consideration are:

Pumpkin and Cinnamon
Blueberry Muffin
Mudslide
Blackberry Sourcream
Lemon Curd and Berries
Pear Compote and Ginger

You can go to the wedsite to vote on your favorite and see which flavor is the current leader. (Let's just say it's one of the flavors that I picked.) We have a few ideas for the cake and it will be interesting to see if our friend Mary is the cause for anymore inspiration. The engagement present will also be meeting Mary's new shelter pup tomorrow.

Dogs and cake!

Hooray!

Crisis Averted

2009-05-06T07:06:00.004-04:00

I was all flipping out because the stationer said it would take another 2-3 weeks for the invitations to arrive and I had hoped to have them in the mail by May 1st. In a panic to find out by exactly how much I had f-ed up, The Knot told me that guests dont get their invitations until six weeks out and I was like, really?!

It's awesome when things are awesomer than I think they are.

2002

2009-05-05T06:49:00.003-04:00

Welcome back to My Life in Weddings. So far we have seen my parents' wedding, my first wedding as a flower girl, my first wedding as a guest, my first wedding as a junior bridesmaid and the second, and finally, my first wedding as a full-fledged, adult bridesmaid. Which brings us all to the year 2002, my first wedding as a full-fledged adult guest.

My friend Kate had a relatively small and very elegant affair in San Francisco. Her sense of humor was only surpassed by her good sense and impeccable taste. I mean, I wish I could show you a picture of the necklace she wore. It alone was breathtaking.

I wore a strapless black jumpsuit from White House/Black Market and some sensible Enzo Angiolini leather thongs in lime green. An unfortunate choice, in retrospect. I was in attendance with my underage girlfriend Sara. I was 23 and she was 20. I mention this only because I had to stay at the hotel with her while everyone else went to the Boom Boom Room only to find Alice Walker boom booming on the dance floor. I was crushed to have missed the opportunity to see Alice Walker shake it.

At any rate, this wedding taught me a hard lesson, perhaps the hardest and most important of all wedding lessons. That lesson is: a wedding is not a party. Sure, you are supposed to look great and have fun, bring a date, drink drinks, chat with friends. But because you are doing this in front of the bride and groom's mother and father it is not actually a party. And I should never be handed a microphone in front of people's mothers and fathers at an event that is not a party.

What I mean is that this wedding taught me about how I should certainly have fun at weddings, but only after I made sure I had properly understood all of the couple's instructions about everything, thought twice about any and all ideas I might've had and then talked to three different friends about whether my ideas were appropriate.
More deeply than that I decided that in the future I should attend weddings in the spirit of serving the people getting married, rather than myself.

The other thing I'll always remember about this wedding is that Kate didnt walk down the aisle, rather she descended a spiral staircase to the tune of a Frank Sinatra song, the first lyric of which had everyone laughing before we could even see the whole of her. I can't wait to remember, or be reminded of, the name of the song so you can picture the scene yourself. It is the only aspect of any wedding I've ever thought of as "perfect".

But, Also, Where Would I Put the Veil?

2009-05-04T06:48:00.000-04:00

When I said I was thinking about braiding for the wedding, Lauren said, after seeing a few pictures, "OK. Fine. But it has to be loose and natural, none of that "I just got back from Jamaica &h!t."

Guests of Honor

2009-04-28T21:08:00.003-04:00

Instead of bridal parties, we are having Guests of Honor. So far, there are 26 honorable people. Their page on the wedsite is slowly but surely coming together. It's not easy compiling bios and photos for 26 people! The best part though, was when I got an email from my friend Kate with a photo of the pink version of the dress she wants to wear. That was really exciting.

Below, you can check out the email I sent to my guests of honor, explaining the particularities of this distinguished appointment. Part of me wishes I couldve designed some sweet, personalized card to ask them to be honorable guests. But who has time to do that?

Hello Friends (and Mom)!

I'm writing to tell you that you are guests of honor at the wedding.

What ever does this mean?

Essentially, you will be 1.) wearing purple, 2.) be seated somewheres special during the ceremony and 3.) taking pictures with me and Lauren. (Time and place, TBD.)

So:

1.) In terms of picking out something to wear please check out these pictures for a guide: http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_oVc5BrS5k-I/SIs8vM8dyRI/AAAAAAAAApY/_caDDrG7zJw/s1600-h/dressesmosaic2.JPG

As well as this post at Offbeat Bride. The pictures of the ladies in green are the best example of what I'm going for: http://offbeatbride.com/2008/09/non-matching-bridesmaid-dresses

Also, you will be accenting with the color brown. Not black.

2.) It also means that you will have a little bio and picture on the wedding website. Take a minute to check out what I have already written up about you and feel free to submit your own photo and bio. http://laurenanddesaray.com/page.php?groupingID=bridalparty&cp=1

When writing the bio and picking the pitcher, be more whimsical than professional, more love than achievement.

This concludes the portion where I ask things of you :)

I heart you all and can't wait to take pretty pictures together.

Signed
Desaray (and Lauren, whose people will be doing all the same things, but wearing blue.)

The First Fitting

2009-04-26T18:00:00.003-04:00

Lauren picked a fabric and got fitted for her suit on Friday after work. She was having a spectacular allergy attack, but Shiby, a glass of wine and the festive atmosphere at Dash's put all stress to bed. Apparently, we were the last appointment of the day and it was some kind of special thing, a trunk sale, but I didnt see any trunks. There was a guy there named Andrea from the suit company, with stylish hair and a beautiful accent. And a girl in a pink tie and jeans. But I'm not sure why we needed them.

I want to post links to the store and suit company and, like, really give the low-down on made-to-measure suits. I want to tell you that it seems important to look at the fabric samples in the natural light. I want to analyze the dynamics of the moment from a female or gay perspective. We chatted with the other patrons about the wedding, no one batted an eyelash. We invited Shiby for back up against the patriarchy, but only used him to quell some couple angst.

The biggest thing was just that everyone was cool. I was wearing a halter dress and my hair was dirty. It was a Friday and life was good. The weather was great. Lauren asked Victor, the proprietor, to make her look skinny. He told her he was very excited to make her suit. It was how it should be for everyone everywhere, but because it was this way for us, we are especially grateful.

It was a good day to be a girl in a suit.

Happy Friday

2009-04-23T22:30:00.003-04:00

This week has been dominated by the DC-CAS, the District's standardized test. My school is called Aim. I am emotionally exhausted, tired, and now, tipsy. I want to write about our Clearness Committee, and my second dress fitting, and the fact that Lauren is getting measured for her suit tomrrow. Instead, I will say that I have added new polls to the wedding website, with which I am currently obsessed, as I told you I would be.

Wedsite

2009-04-19T22:48:00.002-04:00

I have no pithy post or interesting insight to offer on Monday morning. We met with the caterer and I still havent posted about the second fitting or the clearness committee. But I did work my butt off doing the wedding wedsite tonight. It is my only offering to you.

Things I Learned About Yard Work

2009-04-15T22:43:00.005-04:00

(click here to enlarge pics of the angry-ass wedding possum)

After the ceremony, Lauren and I are going to welcome the guests to go downstairs and enjoy "sumptuous finger foods". Then we will all head over to the our house for drinking, dancing and cake. Our house has a great big backyard that has, over the years, fallen into disrepair.

Last weekend, me, Lauren and the landlord ventured into the underbrush to clear away the debris and detritus. We found:

-- the frame of a child's bed
-- a weight bench
-- cowboy boot planter, three times the size of actual cowboy boots
-- an angry-ass wedding possum

What I learned about yardwork:

-- that yardwork is invigorating
-- that my landlord once hosted an iraqi child
-- that the engagement present tires easily

What I learned about rescuing possums:

-- possums hiss
-- former military raised on farms in Wisconsin want to pitch-fork possums in the face
-- you can save possums from former military by diverting the energy away from killing and towards complex escape plans involving trashcans and teamwork
-- There are you tube videos abound of hissing possums

If the yard gets no fancier than this, I will be happy. But the landlord has big plans involving decking and concrete and flowers. Just in case, though, we moved the wedding up by three hours so that the yard will be cloaked in darkness sooner rather than later.

The Invitations

2009-04-15T06:18:00.002-04:00

The invitations are almost ready. We might even be able to have them in guests' mailboxes by May 1st! Vana Chupp of Le Papier Studio has been pretty dreamy to work with. She is very speedy with replies, sometimes doing up to 3 mock-ups a day, to accomodate requests and corrections.

She is also very economical with her sentences. I like that. Not a lot of commentary and cute-sy adjectives to wade through in the middle of a busy work day. Just, "Bam, bam, bam -- here's your awesome invites."

More than the design or the silhouette though, I'm excited about the format. A self-mailing envelope with tear-off postcard. It totally pleases me for some reason. It's, like, all one piece of paper. And perforated. I love the word "perforation".

And we are thinking about making stamps through the USPS with the dog's silhouette on them.

How cheesy?

Super cheesy!

Mr. Smudge

2009-04-14T06:40:00.002-04:00

Our DJ. Lauren's friend from college. We meet with him tomorrow night. He's spun for a couple of Lauren's fundraisers. You can find him on Facebook. And this icon is, clearly, absolutely adorable.

Bouquet

2009-04-12T21:20:00.000-04:00

The best bouquet ever is pictured top middle. I just want it smaller. I'm liking thistles and love-in-the-mist very much this weekend.

I Heart You

2009-04-09T21:51:00.008-04:00

This weekend is big. I go to the tailor to try on my dress with veil and shoes, not having lost an iota of weight. We clean up the backyard in which we will be having the reception. Currently it is filled with lumber, cinder blocks, a large pair of ceramic cowboy boots and an old fashioned radiator. Not to mention, maybe our stationer will be putting a proof of our wedding invitation in the mail.

And last, but not least, we seriously consider having Whole Foods cater our wedding. Gable boxes customized with a custom stamp are surely awesome, customizably speaking, right?

Right. So is 15 bucks per person when neither you nor your fiancee can stop. inviting. people! to. your. wedding.

(We love people!)

Above, you will find a photo we are having made into a silouhette for our invitation and the image after which we diligently modeled ourselves for no less than an hour last night after work.

Seriously, it was really hard.

Wouldnt A Ponytail Be Awesome?

2009-04-07T07:30:00.001-04:00

(click for big)