How to Alter a Wedding Dress

1.) Buy the sixth dress tried on from the first store you go to.

2.) Make sure it is used and there is only one in the whole world to your knowledge

3.) Even though the sales lady says it is too small and that she was just having you try it on to see the particular cut, do #1 and #2

4.) Gain 2-3 pounds

5.) Write on the internet about how great it that you don't have to worry about your weight because you will be covered in lots of crinoline

6.) Feel kind of worried by one commenter's post about how you have to watch what you eat when you have a mermaid cut dress

7.) Internalize the difference between all of the princess cut dresses you have been seeing on the internet and the mermaid cut dress you bought

8.) Go to your first fitting with a tailor who either can't speak a lot of English, chooses not to speak a lot of English or chooses not to speak a lot of English in this particular situation because she knows you won't change your mind about wearing this dress

9.) Gain 2-3 more pounds.

10.) Go to your second fitting

11.) Stop gaining weight

12.) Don't try on the dress after the second fitting, just pick it up

13.) Join a gym

14.) Try Medifast dutch chocolate shakes, but settle on Slim Fast due to cost and flavor

15.) Get intellectual about the experience of food, hunger, eating, portion sizes, flavor, texture, desire, gluttony, aescetism, pleasure, anticipation and why the new gym doesnt have a scale

16.) Know that no one will notice how the dress hitches up at your waist and folds over if you don't tell them

17.) Enjoy