photo creditI've noticed a few people, on blogs and in conversation, mention how short their wedding ceremony was, how surprised and slightly disappointed they were when all was said and done. I've also noticed that a lot of people save the ceremony -- the vows, at least -- until almost the day of. Aside from putting a face to a name, I enjoy few pleasures greater than taking note of, and then avoiding, other people's mistakes.
In a Quaker ceremony, the friends and family assembled meditate in silence and stand to speak as they are moved to. At one point, the couple stands and exchanges simple, brief promises, before the Meeting is adjourned and everyone present signs the wedding contract. Lauren and I will also ask a friend to read a Rainer Maria Rilke poem (more on that when the rings are ready) and maybe do a blessing of the hands.
So, having put the content of my ceremony into the hands of my friends and family, and having absolute faith in the moment, as well as the wisdom of the group, I don't actually know how the ceremony will go, but I know for sure that my ceremony will be big and beefy; Lauren and I have a group of friends and family who range from throughtful and articulate to joyful to passionate to dramatic, so that we are sure to enjoy a wide range of heartfelt thoughts and messages.
Better yet, I dont have to labor over who reads or does or says what, nobody has to get any certifications via the internet and I certainly dont have to hire a stranger with gravitas and a certain religious savoir-faire to put on a rainbow tallis and tell me about covenants. And finally, the ceremony wont happen in a hotel or restaurant, perhaps my number one biggest fear. I'm so grateful that I found the Quakers and that they were around to be found. When getting married was some abstract thing I had no interest in doing, but sometimes tried to imagine, the being married in a hotel by a stranger was the most painful part of the daydream.
So that's the ceremony. I dont know, maybe it's all those years of just winging it in school, but there is a certain exhilaration in knowing everything will go fine, but not lifting one finger to plan it that way.
5 comments:
I totally appreciate your sentiments on the ceremony. I think yours will be very personal and beautiful, and it's wonderful that you've discovered Quaker traditions.
That said, I don't think it's entirely fair to paint other ceremonies as you have. We had a semi-stranger (with whom we'd met twice and e-mailed countless times) wearing a semi-hippie tallis, with gravitas, telling us about covenants. It was very important to my family and me to have a Jewish wedding. For my atheist husband, it was a major compromise. But he was the one who choked up during the ceremony, and to whom the ancient words "with this ring, you are consecrated to me according to the traditions of Moses and Israel" held a weight they never had before.
I understand that to a lot of people, this doesn't mean anything, and that's completely fine - find your own path. But to many of us, it's sacred, and we'd like to find a way to get married in this tradition. For my husband and me, this meant finding a rabbi who lived close to us who would perform an interfaith wedding. We were lucky to do so; unfortunately, the officiant wasn't our best friend, but he was a wonderful man who performed a beautiful ceremony.
I know this is your blog and you're absolutely entitled to share whatever thoughts you have on whatever topic you care to talk about. But please consider the fact that something like this is probably a more sensitive topic for a lot of us, and you may want to approach it accordingly.
I am very interested in how your ceremony will turn out, it sounds exciting.
That being said I am a big fan of short and sweet. I am looking forward to 30 or 40 minutes tops. I find that less is more, at least for me.
I guess the family would qualify as "the dramatic?" I feel confident that the ceremony will be heartfelt and lovely but I still wish there was an aisle and I could "present you" in some sort of way. Rent "Mama Mia" and watch the scene where Meryl Streep walks her daughter down the aisle. It was beautiful and just made me boo-hoo buckets.
I guess the family would qualify as "the dramatic?" I feel confident that the ceremony will be heartfelt and lovely but I still wish there was an aisle and I could "present you" in some sort of way. Rent "Mama Mia" and watch the scene where Meryl Streep walks her daughter down the aisle. It was beautiful and just made me boo-hoo buckets.
I hear what you are saying (bride), but I still think your post is awesome. I really like the idea that you don't have to plan it at all and you can leave it in someone elses collective hands, and they don't have to plan it eaither and it will all work out just fine.
This is really the only part of the wedding I really really care about, well, this and the Ketuba signing, which might even be more emotional because of it's small group nature. And we're exchanging a ring there too, just because. A Ketuba signing ring for me.
Anyway, we also felt really strongly about not wanting it to be a semi-stranger. In fact, we joined a shul pre-engagment so we were all set to go on that front, and fought the family to make sure it was in our city not theirs so that our rabbi would do it, not theirs. And, we'll have lots of friends participate. Participation is really key for me and often very lacking. I want to feel married by my community.
Blah blah blah :)
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